Music sheet (last chapter) Chapter 10~ Harry (POV) “Some people need more time to heal, Harry. I’m sure he’ll come to term with this and will go back to his old self. You just have to be patient with him,” she tells me and I know she talks from experience. I know I can be patient, I’ve been since I met her. “Maybe he’ll meet someone who’ll push him until he can’t avoid this anymore and he’ll face it and get over it.” HANNAH (POV) Surprisingly, Harry and I have spent a lot of time together. Honestly, since we got together I thought that with his busy schedule we were barely going to see each other, but somehow he always manages to find time to be with me. Even if it’s thirty minutes or less. And truth be told, I’m getting used to seeing him every day so I’m not sure how it’s going to work when he goes on tour again. I know they changed many things –I don’t want to imagine how it was before– and now they’ll have more time for themselves, but still. I’ll see him, maybe, once a week. Mila told me that on past tours they could see each other every three months and I couldn’t believe it. That’s a lot of time. But I see that spending that much time away from each other has made them all stronger. And more grateful for the few days they can spend together. They surely don’t take the other for granted. I was having a good time and I was still surprised that I was actually hanging out with Ed Sheeran. How many people in this world can say “oh you know, I was just hanging out with my favourite artist in the whole world. Nothing much, pretty common, you see”? I am damn lucky. When we actually get to her grave, I’m breathing heavily and I don’t notice I’m crying until Harry brushes the tears away and kisses my cheeks softly. “You’re doing fine,” he whispers to me before hugging me tightly. HARRY (POV) You know when things are great and everything seems to be perfect yet you have that feeling that it can’t be like that? That something has to go wrong because life isn’t perfect? Well, I have that feeling and I can’t shove it off no matter how hard I try. I just hope that this bad feeling in my guts is nothing but paranoia. HANNAH (POV) As I see the crowd screaming their names, crying because they can see them, holding signs with their names and other things, the fact of how big they are hits me mercilessly. Around the world there are millions of people dying to get to know Harry as much as I know him, to be in my shoes. Girls that would kill to have him looking at them the way he looks at me. We stay there, hugging and oblivious to the world, with my mind still worrying over “what ifs” until Alex tells us it’s time to go to the dressing room and get ready for the party. That party only shows me how women –and some guys– hit on Harry not even caring that I’m next to him, holding his hand. A girl asked if we would do a threesome! What’s wrong with her? And that doesn’t happen only to Harry, I see that all the boys have to go through that. Well, expect Niall and I think it’s because Alex looks murderously at anyone to tries to flirt with her boyfriend. HANNAH (POV) Something’s odd. I know that when I call Hannah and she doesn’t pick up the phone nor calls me back the whole day. I know she is tired after this long week in Uni, but I finally have some free time and I really want to spend it with her, but she doesn’t answer my calls. And as if that wasn’t enough, I have a bad feeling. People are attacking me on twitter again, saying that I’m a manwhore, and asking how could I do that? What? I have no idea. It wouldn’t be the first time people call me things like that out of the blue. It’s like their hobbie, so I don’t pay them attention anymore. But this time something smells different because as I scroll through my mentions, I see people mad at me for what I did to Hannah and some Jennifer. I have no clue what they’re talking about but I do know I have to talk to Hannah and if she is not picking up her phone, then I may knock at her door. “I don’t know what you’re talking about! What woman?!” I shout back, anger and confusion mixing up this time. What is she blaming me for? What’s happening? I don’t understand a single thing! HANNAH (POV) “I don’t understand,” Savannah blurts out, but I’m still with my face buried in my pillow. Hope is on my back, trying to get my attention but I feel lifeless, I feel lost, I feel desperate. “What happened? Why is everyone saying Harry cheated on you? Why isn’t he here?” “I’m sorry,” my best friend repeats pulling back this time and taking my face in her hands, cupping with tenderness and looking at me with compassion and pity. “But you’ll be fine. We’ve all been heartbroken at least once and we can all move on. I’ll help you forget about him! We can buy more darts and throw them at him the whole day!” She proposes with a big smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, but she is trying. “How could you!?” Moni yells at me when she is close enough. I’m against the wall –I didn’t even notice when I started to step back–, with no escape, with Savannah trying to protect me from Moni’s fury. “How could you do that to Harry?! After all he’s done!” My heart is beating so fast and I can’t utter a single word, I can only see Moni so angry it scares me, so much. I actually believe she will attack me. “C’mon, mate! Let’s go out, have some fun and let’s forget about that b***c!” Louis chants shaking my body but I lay motionless on the couch, the telly is on but I’m not really watching anything. But I do cringe when I hear him calling Hannah like that. Louis’s mouth opens and shuts like a fish out of the water, still on the floor, staring at Moni with shock and fear in his eyes. Then he looks at me and I see the words in his gaze, I don’t need him to say it out loud. He stands up next and leaves the room, giving me one last apologising stare before exiting the flat. HANNAH (POV) I walk slowing, hugging the bouquet carefully against my chest as I make my way towards her grave. The snow keeps falling slowly over me and I’m freezing alive, but I keep walking. I need to talk to her, even if she can’t reply. I need to tell her everything before doing something. Mum, in my daydream, kneels next to me and hugs me as she used to do when she was alive. I wonder if I’m imagining all this just to give myself a break or maybe I went mad. Maybe I should ask for clinical help now. HARRY (POV) Three weeks have past and it still hurts, but I don’t feel like dying every second now. When I’m around people, I can actually forget about it and just carry on. It’s when I’m alone, before I fall asleep, when the memories haunt me. But I’ll be fine, I have loads of things to keep me distracted. Tour starts in a month and a half and we’re rehearsing a lot. We are shooting our third video to release it before we take off with the tour around Europe. We have a lot of interviews and photoshoot sessions, a lot of promo and a few minor gigs. I’m working so hard so I don’t have time to think of her. “Oh right! I remember that solo! Hannah almost fainted,” Kay says one afternoon when we’re hanging out together at the rehearsing rooms Alex, Mila, Moni and her are remembering that gig from two days ago. HANNAH (POV) Convincing Mila and Moni that I’ve changed wasn’t easy. I talked for hours, –or at least it felt like hours– and they were always looking at me ready to attack and ask me to f**k off. I cried a lot, I couldn’t help it and maybe that’s why her eyes softened and they gave me a chance to explain everything. I told them about my mistake, I explained them why I did that and how sorry I was. I begged for a second chance. “Harry,” I whisper, enjoying the way his name rolls in my lips. “Please, don’t hang up just hear me out,” I hurry to add before he does something. “I really need to talk to you, I have many things to tell you. Please, I’m begging you, just give me one chance to explain everything. After that you can tell me to f**k off again, but let me explain you.” Well, at least I have to tell him the truth and apologise. “Please!” I beg, not able to stop the tears this time and not even that gets a reaction from him. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, I don’t know if he is even listening to me and I can’t be strong anymore. I break. “Please, Harry, tell me there’s something I can do, something so you can forgive me. I swear in my mother’s name that I’ll never do something that stupid again, but just… just give me another chance. I love you, I can’t let you walk away from me. Please…” by that time, I can’t keep talking because I choke in my own speech and the tears stream down my face endlessly. Epilogue ~ Harry I know Hannah is not here and I’m okay with that. She told me she had to work at the garage because her dad went to Cardiff for a meeting to expand the business. She said she was sorry but she would be waiting for me at home. She made sure I would know her father is not going to be there tonight. So yeah, I’m dying to leave the airport and see my girlfriend. We have to catch up, you know? I quit watching Zayn and Mila in their reunion and I pick up my bag, but when I turn on my heels, I see her and I hold my breath. I haven’t seen her in two weeks only, but when I spot her standing there I feel it’s been two lifetimes. She is wearing a Sunday dress and short boots, her hair is falling graciously, framing her lovely face and she is smiling brightly, knowing she’s surprised me with being here. Hannah waves shyly at me and I swear I feel like the world stops around me and all I see is her. Her smile, her green eyes, the freckles on her face, the way she is standing there, awkwardly, waiting to know what to do next. OH MY GOD! I’m crying so much…really this chapter was so emotional and the part where Hannah tried to convince Harry..that was so much heart breaking.. I still feel my heart ache..anyways, thank for the lovely comments on the last chapter. I can’t believe I got so much love and support through out the whole three stories.. I’m so happy…and sorry I didn’t replied back on the last few chapters..I was busy.. And please make sure you comment down on this chapter..that would make my whole year..hehe.. Make sure you comment and share your whole experience of this story.. I hope you will like bitter and sassy too..I’m so excited for it and I hope you all will like it. I’m gonna post bitter and sassy on March 24..so stay tuned for that… and make sure you support me too in bitter and sassy.. And I’m so excited for Louis story .. you guys already know how the funny Louis changed..and let’s see how Kay brings him back.. Love to everyone…keep supporting me and motivating me… Hope to see you soon..and dear silent readers make sure everyone comment… .
Hannah and I are the first ones to leave, not because we’re exhausted or because it’s too late, but because I know this is too much for Hannah for one night. She did great, she talked to everyone and she seemed to have a great time. She laughed a lot and she didn’t doubt much when Mila asked her if she wanted to come with her, Zayn, Moni, Ed and I to a car saloon. Mila and Moni are so excited about that and they are dragging their boyfriends with them, and they assumed Hannah would love to join them as well.
I’m sure if it had been another thing and not cars, Hannah wouldn’t have accepted.
I know the ginger girl really tried today, but I still could see how at unease she seemed when someone was too close to her. Even if it was Ed, her idol, she looked uncomfortable. Only when I was next to her she seemed to relax. I know she likes my friends, but she still needs time to get used to having them around. However, I’m sure she will make it. The lads and the girls really like her already, I could see it in their eyes when they looked at Hannah. They accepted her, even Louis who tried to look all indifferent to all women in the house. I saw him smiling at us before he realised I had caught him staring. He can try and say that I’m making a mistake, that I shouldn’t trust Hannah, but I know him. I know he is happy for me. He knows this is what I’ve wanted for so long and I finally have it.
But I’m still worried for him.
During our little party, he only talked to the lads. He avoided even Alex and I’ve noticed he doesn’t call her wife anymore. And that was their game, something that never stopped being funny among them. Even when Moni tries to convince him to help her on a prank, he doesn’t want to be near her. And she is making an effort! I’ve heard she is in prank rehab thingy. Not sure how that works yet.
It’s been a couple of weeks since Louis and Eleanor broke up and he doesn’t show any improvement. He is as bitter as the day he told us about it. I saw Eleanor the other day at Starbucks and she is fine, but when she saw me, her expression changed and I could see how worried she is for Louis. Perhaps she doesn’t love him anymore, but she still cares about him and how he is taking all this. She told me she has tried to talk to him, to explain things better, but he doesn’t let her.
“You okay?” I hear Hannah asking and next I feel her hand taking mine, our fingers tangling immediately.
I take a glimpse at her for a few seconds before focusing on the road again. I’ve learnt that if I’m with Hannah, I have to be a better driver, even more if it’s snowing. “Yes, I’m fine. I was just thinking,” I answer with a smile that, I hope, will put her at ease.
“About Louis, am I right?” She inquires next and I open my eyes in surprise. “I know you’re worried. Have you talked to him?”
I sigh, remembering all the occasions when I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he doesn’t say much. He snaps pretty quickly and just tells me that all women are the same and that he’s better off now so I shouldn’t worry. But I can’t help it. This is not the Louis we all know and love.
“Yes, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He wasn’t like this, you know?” I tell Hannah and I know she is paying full attention. I know I can tell her anything. “He was this extremely energetic lad, always making jokes and having people laughing. You couldn’t be bored if he was around and he didn’t mind making a fool of himself just to have a good time.”
“Doesn’t seem like that now,” she comments and I sigh again, squeezing her hand.
“No. He is bitter all the time, snapping at the smallest thing and avoiding all women. Can you imagine how hard that is with fans? A high percentage of our fans are girls and he doesn’t want to touch them. And he doesn’t seem to move on and I’m worried,” I confess and for a few seconds no one says anything.
When I look at her she is smiling brightly and I know she means I’m the one who pushed her until she faced what was hurting her. And still, she is still working on that but she doesn’t avoid it anymore and if she did it, Louis also can do it.
“You’re right. Maybe Kay will be the one,” I tease, remembering how the blonde looked for him during the party, just to annoy him a little bit.
Hannah laughs lightly. “I think he’ll kill her first. When I saw him with the knife I was scared.” It’s my turn to laugh, recalling that scene when we were eating and Kay said something about carrots and Louis grabbed the knife tighter. For a moment, I also thought he was going to murder her. “By the way, why does Louis hate carrots so much?”
I can’t help it but chuckle when I hear her question. “Well, when we started we used to do these video diaries for the X-Factor and Louis used to be ultra random during those videos, so once when they asked us what things we liked in women, he said he liked women who ate carrots. You can’t imagine how much we laughed that he said that on a video that will be forever on the Internet. Anyways, after that, fans got obsessed with carrots and for some reason assumed Louis liked carrots when he said he liked women who ate carrots. He never talked about himself. They got dressed as carrots, gave him carrots, threw carrots at him. At the beginning he played along, with the fans and with us. It was a joke and we all found that funny… until it wasn’t anymore. It got to the point where he can’t see carrots anymore without wanting to stab someone with the vegetable.”
“Are you for real?” She asks, holding back her laughter.
“You can see the videos on YouTube,” is my answer and this time she actually laughs.
“I think I would’ve liked to meet that random Louis.” She is going to say something else, but then her phone goes off. She takes it off of her purse and checks it. I want to know what it is, because she laughs.
“What’s it?” I ask, curiosity driving me crazy already.
“Oh, it’s just Zayn sending me pictures of Ed,” she answers offhandedly and I’m about to lose control of the car out of the surprise.
“What?! Why is he sending you pictures? When did you give him your number?” I demand, trying to see what picture Zayn sent.
“Oh, when you went to the toilet Zayn and Niall approached me. Zayn asked me for my number, telling me we should become best friends and that I should tell him when we were on dates so he could send me amazing pictures. I never thought he was going to send me pictures of Ed,” she laughs still looking at the picture. “Aw, he looks adorable here.”
That f**ker. He is getting his revenge, I know it. He is doing the same thing I did when he started going out with Mila. This is his payback, but what does Niall plan to do?
“Did Niall tell you something?” I ask through gritted teeth, not knowing what to expect from the Irish one.
“Not really. He just said he was happy we’re together. That now you’ll know what it feels like. I’m not sure what he meant,” she answers and panic rises in my soul.
What does he mean? What is he planning? I don’t bug him and Alex like I do Zayn and Mila, so I don’t know what to expect. The only thing he has complained about is my timing but I don’t––
So that’s what he is planning, to interrupt when Hannah and I are alone like I did when he was with Alex. But that wasn’t my intention! I never did it on purpose and he will. That bastard leprechaun!
“Something wrong?” Hannah asks a bit confused.
“I’m gonna tell Moni Zayn is sending pictures of her boyfriend to other girls,” I state and Hannah bursts out laughing.
“You all have a very special relationship, don’t you?” I look at her for a second just to give her a smile.
“They are my second family. I can’t see my life without them anymore,” I confess and her smile is so heart-warming and honest.
“They are all really nice. I’m glad I got to meet them,” Hannah says with her thumb stroking my skin softly. “Thank you for inviting me, Harry.”
“I’m even happier that you came with me. Everyone loved you and I’m sure they can’t wait to see you again. I’m warning you already, they’re gonna invite you to everything we plan together. They may not invite me but they will ask you to come.”
She laughs but I’m not joking. I know Moni adores her already and Phebs really liked her too. Probably, out of all the group, Hannah is the most similar to her in personality. Mila really likes her too, I saw that by the way she smiled at her so brightly. Alex and Belle accepted her immediately, Belle specially likes Hannah’s hair. I heard her many times complimenting my girlfriend’s ginger hair. And for the lads… well, the only one who worries me is Louis, but I honestly hope he’ll move on and fully accept her.
“I had a great time.” For some reason, those words mean so much to me. That she had a great time with my friends is really important.
“I’m glad you did,” I tell her as I keep driving.
Sooner than I’d like it, we’re in front of her house and I know it’s time to say goodbye, for now. I won’t see her as I’ll be really busy these following days as we’re finishing with the album, getting ready to release it and them promo starts: magazines, photoshoot sessions, interviews, trips around the globe and the tour.
This time we’ve stood up for ourselves. This is our third album, we’re older, we have a solid fan base and we know we don’t have to kill ourselves to keep our fans with us. They are loyal; they will be with us until the end. That’s why we decided to take it easier this time with the tour. Not so many dates, not so close one to another. I mean, we won’t have two gigs in one day. We’ll have more breaks to see our families and we’re even looking for charities to support during this European tour we will do this summer. It was hard, but management accepted our terms and this is just a proof of how much we’ve grown.
Also, it’s because we got threatened. All the girls told us that if we let management exploit us again like they’ve been doing since we started, we would never see them again. Yes, all of them agreed on that. They say it’s because they care about us and our health and we can’t go on like that forever. We’re old enough to make our opinions count.
I’m excited for what it comes for us this rest of the year. It will be a great summer and in this occasion, I will have someone with me. Someone I’ll be able to bring to where I am so she can be with me, someone I’ll miss and who will be waiting for me at home. This summer, this tour I’ll have Hannah with me and only because of that, I know it’s going to be the best tour of them all. I’m sure we’re going to enjoy it even more than the other ones because, for the first time, we’ll have time to enjoy it and not only work.
Yes, I’m really excited.
All their relationships are quite admirable. Harry has told me a bit of them all, so I feel more comfortable when we’re around, so I don’t feel like the newbie in the group, though I am and that makes me feel awkward. Liam was with a girl he met during their days in X-Factor, they were together for a long time but almost a year ago they broke up. Harry told me it was because it was too hard to be together and she was tired that her whole career as a dancer was tied to his. She wanted to make her own path and succeed not because she was with Liam Payne. And since then, Liam has been single. Going out with some random girls, but nothing serious. Harry says he is enjoying his time as a single bloke.
Louis… well, I know his story already and not only Harry is worried for him now, but everyone. Including me. Since Mila’s party, I’ve seen him one more time and he still looks hurt and defensive, not letting anyone approach him. In a way, I see myself but while I was drowning in self-pity, he spits at everyone with bitterness. Specially at Kay, who can’t help but keep messing with him, from what Harry has told me.
Niall and Alex met almost two years ago, a few weeks before the UK tour started and they even went with them, including Phebs and Belle. That’s how the relationship started, in tour, but then she broke up with him because she thought they were too different and their worlds didn’t fit together. I can understand her there, it’s really hard to see your world fitting with theirs, even more when all they do is so massive and public. But Niall and Alex managed to get back together and since then they have been an example. Fans accepted her different look and that she makes Niall the happiest.
Zayn and Mila met because Alex introduced them. Harry told me that before, Zayn liked Alex very much and that Alex wanted to help him, that’s why she introduced them. Incredible, Alex did predict the future and they got together. But when things were great he made a mistake. He said publicly that Mila used to write fan fictions online when she had asked him not to mention that, because she wanted to achieve her dreams on her own. After that, she got hacked and all her hard work was lost due to that slip of the tongue of Zayn. But then Mila got a deal with a publisher and now she is a published author and her book is so great –I read it and loved it–, and after that they got back together. Zayn waited for her because Mila needed time to trust in him again.
I see that all of them have gone through something and made it through and come out of it as stronger people, which is what I admire the most about them. They are all so strong, they don’t let the bad things in life stop them, they defeat them and carry on. And I want to be like them, I don’t want anything to stop me again from moving on with my life. Even though I still feel like I have more work to do. But at least I realise now what things I’ve done wrong and what I have to work on.
The day we went to the car saloon with Moni, Mila, Zayn and Ed was great. I thought I liked cars, but Mila and Moni are way more obsessed than me with vehicles. Specially the brunette. She literally dragged Ed everywhere to see all the new models and in one occasion she had to stop or she would cry. Ed had to hold her and I really laughed at her and her massive love for a Ford Mustang that was in exhibition.
That day I had a conversation with the two girls that helped me make my decision for today. They know what happened to my mum and how that affected me.
“We’ve all lost someone, Hannah,” Mila started, I remember. “We’ve all seen someone we love leave, sometimes forever, sometimes we think it’s forever but it’s not. Sometimes they choose to leave this world forever without even telling you. But that can’t stop us.”
“You’re not the only one who has suffered that pain, some people like Alex have had it even worse, losing both. But they don’t stop, they carry on,” Moni supported and I looked down, I know I was ashamed because I’ve always known that what they told me that day is completely truth.
“It’s life, Hannah. We need to learn to say goodbye. It does not always happen when we’re ready, but we can’t help it. We don’t control life, you know?” Mila went on and, almost unnoticeably, I nodded. “Shutting others out won’t save you from having to say goodbye. And not because they leave it means it wasn’t worth it.”
“Instead of thinking ‘why did she leave me?’ why don’t you think of all the good things that happened? Even if it was brief or not as long as you wanted, you had them. You had your mum for many years and you can’t forget that. Even if it’s for a brief time, loving someone is always worth it. Having friends is always worth it because being lonely is not what we’re meant to be,” Moni complemented and I was not only surprised for their words, but also for the way they can speak together, complementing each other in the same argument. That’s the day I realised how good and close friends they are.
“You’re right…” I whispered and though I didn’t say anything else, they smiled at me and took my hands, giving me a warm sensation, like I wasn’t alone anymore and I didn’t have to push them away ever gain.
Since then I haven’t stopped thinking of what Mila and Moni told me and that’s why I’ve called Harry today, hoping he can help me in this thing I need to do. I haven’t said a word since he came to see me and I know he is waiting patiently, yet he is growing worried, after all, I’m really serious and that can’t be good.
“You okay, Han?” He asks me and I nod, taking a deep breath.
“Harry, can you… um… can you come with me to the cemetery today?” I ask avoiding his eyes and I wait for his answer, not knowing exactly what he’ll say. Maybe he thinks it’s better if I go alone, but I don’t think I can do it.
“Grab your coat, we’re leaving now,” he says and my head snaps in his direction. He is looking at me with a proud smile as he holds his hand for me.
With a smile of my own, I take his hand and after going for my coat, we head to the cemetery. I’m really nervous, I’m not sure what I will say or if it will really help me, but I know I have to do this. Harry doesn’t release my hand unless it is extremely necessary and I appreciate that, the contact of our hands helps me keep in mind that I’m actually doing this and gives me the courage I need.
In the cemetery I lead him to my mum’s grave. I still remember where it is though I haven’t come here since the funeral. With every step I take closer, I feel my heart getting heavier, but I don’t stop. In my mind the nigh I came home from the gig flashes and when Dad told me what had happened to Mum. I remember how I wanted to see her in her coffin but Dad didn’t want me to because the accident had been too terrible and she wasn’t the same. I still wanted to see her one last time and now I know I shouldn’t have done that. The image of my mother full of scars, bruises and stiches is the last mental picture I have from her and now I wish I could delete that and just keep her smiling face in my memory.
I breathe deeply and face the stone with her name on it, my heart beating with difficulty as I try to push away the bad memories. I’m not sure how to start, but I know I have to do it.
“Hi… hi, Mum. I’m sorry for not coming before,” I try and I feel how Harry squeezes my hand and then releases it. I look at him scared but he smiles at me.
“I’ll leave you two alone. I’ll be nearby, don’t worry,” he says softly and I’m not sure if that’s right, but then I understand he is giving us privacy. He knows this is really intimate, so I smile at him in gratitude.
“I know I should’ve come sooner but it was so hard. It’s still so hard and it’s been almost three years now. I still have problems accepting that you left,” I tell her when I’m alone with my mum’s grave. There’s snow and it’s really cold, but still, I kneel in front of her tomb, not caring about my trousers and that they are getting wet. “And I want to apologise, Mum. I’ve been a selfish idiot, only caring about my own grief and forgetting I wasn’t the only one missing you. I kept my promise, but I forgot to do other things that now I know were important to you too.” I stop for a second as I feel the hot tears running down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t handle you leaving me like that, without a warning, without the chance to say goodbye.”
I think that’s what has weighted the most to me all this time, that I never said goodbye to her before she left me. That I wasn’t with her the moment she died.
“I’m so sorry if I’ve disappointed you for the way I’ve acted,” I cry covering my face with my hands, sobbing into them. “I’ve done everything wrong, I’ve hurt myself and others with the way I’ve acted and I know you didn’t want that for me. I’m so, so, so sorry, Mum! Please, wherever you are, forgive me!” I beg, still sobbing. My words are barely human sounds, but the heart-breaking pain in my chest makes it difficult to talk.
I can’t carry on for a few minutes, I can only cry ashamed for the way I’ve acted all this time. Now I really realise how I’ve disappointed her for shutting everyone out of my world. I’m still afraid, I know that. I can’t heal that fast, but I’m working on that, I’m really trying.
“But I’m better now,” I whisper taking my hands off of my face and looking at the grave again, at her name. “Harry has helped me a lot. I know you’d love him, he is great. And I’m slowly making new friends, letting them in. I know I’m not completely healed yet, but I think I can make it. I’ll be fine and I hope that by then, you’ll be proud of me.” I stop, breathing slowly, trying to calm my shaking body from the sobs. “Mum, I’m learning to live again and I’m finally accepting that you leaving me wasn’t your fault nor mine, it was something that happened. I’m sorry I only focused on the fact you left me instead of all the time we did spend together. I’m sorry for that, I’m really sorry.”
The wind blows as I remain silent, I know Harry is nearby but I don’t hear anyone else. It’s dead silent and I think it’s a sign that Mum is listening to me and I like to think that the wind stroking my wet cheeks is in fact her touch. I like to think that the cold embracing me is her, forgiving me for what I’ve done and encouraging me to keep healing.
“I’m sorry I didn’t bring flowers, too. Next time I’ll bring some,” I promise with a faint smile.
I feel lighter after saying all that and I guess all that guilt I was carrying with me was like a weight on my shoulders that I’ve finally lift. This is certainly something I had to do and I’m glad I did. It’s one step closer to completely heal from what happened and the way I took it.
“I’ll be fine and I’ll come again, Mum. I won’t avoid you anymore. You may have left, but I’m still here and even though I will always miss you, I’ll carry on with my life and I’ll be happy so you can be proud of me. Someday I’ll see you again.” And with those words, I rise to my feet again.
With a last smile, I turn around and walk towards Harry, who is waiting for me. He smiles at me and I know he is proud of what I’ve done, so I smile at him too, grateful for bringing me here, for giving me the privacy I needed, for helping me so much. I run the last few metres that divide us and jump on him, my arms closely wrapped around his torso as I bury my face in the crock of his neck.
“Thank you,” I whisper as he hugs me back, stroking my hair with his right hand.
“That’s what I’m here for, Hannah, always for you. Now let’s go home or you’ll get a cold.”
And like that, with his arm still over my shoulders, we walk together towards the car. I leave the cemetery feeling so much better than when I came here, feeling that I’m really doing a great progress and for some reason, I feel closer to my mum and that gives me certain relief.
Hannah and I are doing great and she is making great progress. I see she is getting along better with the lads, she is not that awkward and so reluctant to meet people, yet she always needs me around or at least, Savannah. Someone she can trust, I guess. I know someday she won’t need anyone to make new friends and let people in. She won’t need shields.
Even the media has been… uh, nice? I’m not sure. They are really interested in this girl I’m dating, but they can’t get much information as Hannah is very reserved and she has almost no friends except from Savannah. They made up rumours, they say things to her like she is just one more in my endless list of women, but she ignores them. I guess she is used to block other people’s words, which is quite convenient now. I guess the paparazzi will get bored eventually and they will just accept that this time I’m serious, that I really care about Hannah and she is not just anotherone.
Plus, I make sure to tell her every day that whatever they say isn’t true because they don’t know me a tenth part of what she knew about me when we met. I also remind her every chance I get that what I feel for her is something I’ve never felt before.
I love being with her, even if it’s just one minute a day. I love talking to her, telling her all the things we did and when she tells me how her day went. I love our pointless conversations, how she can take a banter and how much she loves to mess with me, joke with me. She loves to laugh and I love to hear her musical laughter. I love when we work together in a new song, I love how passionate she is about music, I love how much she cares about Hope and how sweet she is with that little kitty. What I feel for Hannah is something I’ve never felt before and maybe I should be scared, maybe I should be worried that I’m falling too deep, but I don’t. I know that this is right, this is what I’m supposed to feel. How do I know it? I have no idea, I just know it.
But when I get home, when I see Louis watching a movie that has no romance whatsoever, even if he has seen it a millionth times, I feel like it’s not fair my life is going so perfectly right now. I know he is not fine that I have all this now when he is alone and resentful, when he is hurt, even if he doesn’t want to talk about it. It also makes me think how it’s possible that everything feels so perfect and I’m afraid of the moment when the honeymoon stage passes and the problems in paradise start. It can’t be perfect forever, can it?
I’ve had this dream where Hannah is completely fine, when the death of her mum doesn’t stop her anymore, when she has no problem letting people in anymore and when she is like that, she realises she doesn’t need me anymore. What if that happens? What if she stops needing me? I–– I can’t just picture myself without her anymore. I know it sounds lame and I should be ashamed of my feelings or for sounding like such a girl, but it’s the truth. I need her, probably more than she needs me. Not in the way she does, but I do need her by my side because when I have her, I feel completely happy. She makes me happy, when she smiles, when she laughs, when she takes my hand, when she looks at me, when she sings to me.
What if… what if she meets someone better? Like Eleanor did? Someone like, I don’t know, that Max guy she practises with for the Easter presentation? In a few months I’ll start the European tour and I won’t be around as much as I can be now, but he can and maybe now that she won’t have walls that would keep him away, he’ll try to steal her from me.
Mila saw the other day that I was gloomy and she made me –and by made me I mean she forced me using cute pictures of cats to bribe me– tell her what was going on. She says I shouldn’t be as insecure, that I should trust Hannah and what she feels for me, but I can’t help it. It’s never sure with her, I’m afraid she can go back to the Hannah I first met in any minute and shut me out again, or that she just find out that she doesn’t need me anymore. I’m just afraid she’ll push me away again and after all we’ve been through, after having her, I can’t bear the thought of losing her. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want Hannah to be with me.
* * *
Today is the first time Hannah comes with me to a gig. It’s a small gig we’re doing for charity. This year we’re getting really involved with many charity causes, not only Red Nose. If we can help, we go. We’ll play five songs and all the funds we raise will go to the charity. Plus, it helps us to promote our new album that just recently got released. Promo is our main focus now before we go in the European tour.
I know she is excited to see all the activity backstage, all the people making sure that everything works perfectly. Plus, this is the first time Alex works officially for us.
You can’t imagine how happy Niall is.
Alex is finishing her major and with that, she is looking for a new job. Of course Niall made sure she would work with us, after all, she is a genius with technology and she beats everyone we’ve ever known. So now she has a job that she really likes –even before she officially gets her degree– and she can be with Niall when we’re on tour. It almost feels like the old times, when we met.
Ed, Moni, Mila, Belle, Phebs, Grimmy and even Kay are with us today. Kay is here because she really enjoys messing with Louis, and he loves to pretend she is not around. He really hates her but that only seems to amuse Kay. I really like her, she is really cheerful and carefree and she is the only one who is not afraid of telling Louis that what he is doing is just nonsense, that he should forget about it and move on.
Grimmy is here because he is the host of this event to raise money. As we are getting more engaged with charity, so is Radio BBC1.
“Are you excited?” Hannah asks next to me when we’re in the dressing room, just waiting to be called to go on stage.
“I’m always excited,” I reply wrapping one arm around her waist to bring her closer.
Near us Alex and Niall are eating everything that we have there. Lou is still working on Louis and Liam, Zayn and Mila are with Moni and Ed on tumblr, laughing at stupid things. Though sometimes the girls start sobbing in that very particular way they have when their feelings overpower them. It’s always fun to watch. Phebs and Belle are catching up with Kay, telling her all the things she needs to know. Despite Kay being very different from the rest of us, she fits in and she gets along with everyone.
“You’ll be great!” My girlfriend assures me as she gives me a light peck on the lips. I just love that she feels comfortable enough around the lads to do that. “And Savannah promised to come later, so everything will be fun!”
“That’s great. I thought she couldn’t make it,” I answer because of course I invited Hannah’s best friend to come with us today, but she said she had to finish her video for her YouTube channel.
“Yeah… just a little warning: you all may end up in her video. Just saying.” I just look at her until I understand her perfectly. So Savannah will actually work on her video, but she’ll do it here. Well, it’s good to know.
“Maybe she’ll get along with Kay. Grimmy told me she studied Art Direction and she’s looking for a good project for her thesis.” Hannah looks at the blonde girl who, without even covering it up, looks at Louis and laughs. Shamelessly. And Louis notices it and I see the hatred in his eyes. He really, really despises the blonde.
“We’ll see. By the way, will you come to my presentation this weekend? You know it’s Easter and Max and I are presenting.”
I wrap my other arm around her to bring her closer, making sure we’re face to face and her emerald eyes are everything I can see. And it’s when I look her in the eyes that I see how much she has changed since the day I met her. Back then she was so broken, her eyes were a pure reflection of sorrow and loneliness, but now they shine with happiness and excitement. She doesn’t look like there’s a dead part of her soul anymore, like all the pieces of her heart are on the floor; now she looks alive.
And I’m so proud of her.
“Of course I’m going. I just hope it won’t cause any trouble,” I answer and look at her worried.
They will perform in a school where there are many girls, so it’s highly probably that I will find many Directioners if I go see Hannah. I don’t want them to forget the real reason they are there because I show up.
“Maybe I’ll use a disguise,” I joke and she laughs.
“No need, you’ll be fine. You can always go with Paul if you’re worried,” she offers and it’s my turn to laugh.
“That’s not what worries me, I just don’t want to call attention and steal the spotlight, you know?” She still looks a tad bit confused. “You don’t want to be on a stage, you want to be in the classroom, so something like this is very special because you’re showing a whole crowd how much you can do. I don’t want your audience to miss that ‘cos I’m around.”
She remains in silence for a few seconds, processing what I’ve said and what I really mean and when she finally gets it, her smile is wide and precious.
“Sometimes you’re too sweet and I forget that I have just one job in this world.” I raise one eyebrow in questioning attitude. “I can’t let your ego grow bigger, but you’re so sweet.”
“You can’t help stating the truth, babe,” I joke and she giggles before standing on her tiptoes to peck my lips lightly.
“Arrogant bastard,” she mumbles and I can’t help smiling as I hug her tighter.
“And that’s my old Hannah.” I lean in and kiss her properly this time.
That until I hear someone coughing.
“Enough with the PDA. We have to go,” I hear Louis.
Normally, he was always so dramatic with the whole PDA thing. I still remember how he used to tease Alex and Niall for snogging, yelling at them for trying to make babies. But now he is so serious I can’t even say something back and I really feel like I should apologise, though I’m not really doing something wrong.
I step back and Hannah takes my hands, smiling encouragingly. “You’ll be great. I’ll be waiting for you backstage.”
Knowing that this time she is waiting for me when the gig is over, that she is watching me from backstage makes me feel like I have all I’ve ever wanted, like this couldn’t be more perfect because I finally have her with me. I’m not jealous anymore of what Niall and Zayn have, because I have the same kind of relationship too. I have nothing to be jealous of because I’m happy with Hannah and I’m just praying that nothing will ruing what we have. I hope no one will take her away from me. Not even me.
What makes me so special? Why does Harry look at me that way and not at another girl? I know that there are so many other girls better than me, girls that don’t carry the luggage I have to. Harry could meet a girl without the problems I have, that would worship the ground he stands on, someone who can be friends with his friends without a problem, without having to make a humongous effort to get along with them.
I know Harry has a reputation, I know he’s been with a lot of women, he has told me that. I know not all of them were serious relationships, but the whole world thinks he is a player and I know he is not. I understand, as I see the crowd, that many women throw themselves at him. Some of them because of his fame, some because they loved him and would do anything to have him. Any normal guy would give in and I’m not worried that Harry would cheat on me with a one-night stand or something like that. I trust him, I know that for some crazy reason, he really cares about me. But I’m afraid he’ll meet a better girl, someone that will throw herself at him and offer him a simple relationship. Or maybe someone who wants the same things as him, like another singer or even an actress.
Being in a relationship is always difficult and I forgot about insecurities. I haven’t had to worry about someone finding someone better for so long because I didn’t let anyone else care about me as I’ve let Harry. And I didn’t let myself care about other person the way I care about Harry now. And if insecurities weren’t enough already, I have to worry over the fact that Harry meets more people –amazing people– than any other regular guy. It’s like I have an army to compete against.
When the gig is over and the lads come back to backstage, Harry notices there’s a change in me.
“Are you okay, babe?” He asks with his hands around my waist, pulling me close. I don’t really mind that he’s sweaty and breathing heavily, my mind is way mistier with my gloomy thoughts.
My fingers move over his chest, following the stamp on his t-shirt as I try to clear my mind to speak up. “I–– I guess I’m just overwhelmed by how big you are. Your fans really love you.”
“Our fans are so passionate and loud. They are amazing,” he says with a proud smile. They are nice to him most of the time, though I’ve seen some things I prefer to overlook. They have said mean things about me, but if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s ignoring other people.
“They’ll never forgive me for stealing your affection,” I mumble avoiding his eyes and I heard him chuckle. Next, his lips are on my forehead.
“They can be jealous, but they will grow up and accept that you are who makes me happy. You see how they accepted Alex already,” he reminds me and I smile, this time looking in his eyes.
What will happen when he meets someone better? Someone more interesting? How am I supposed to cope with him deciding that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? What if I don’t make him happy anymore because I’m still too broken for him? I know I’ll get better, but my mother’s death and what I’ve done all this time will always be a scar in my soul.
I don’t say anything else, I just rest my forehead on his shoulder and hug him back. I feel his arms wrapping around me more tenderly as he strokes my hair with one hand.
I can’t be like Alex, I can’t keep the other girls away from Harry with a look. I can’t be intimidating, I can’t be fierce and I won’t be with him all the time. Parties are not my thing anymore and I know he likes to go out, but I still feel uncomfortable in a place so crowded and he knows that and he tries to makes things better for me so we leave early. I hate that I have to ruin his fun because I’m like this, because I can’t let totally go.
When he drives me home and we’re saying our goodbyes, I grab his face and kiss him desperately. Almost as if this is our last kiss and this is all I can get from him. I kiss him as if I am afraid to let him go and I am. Being with him tonight showed me that many people will want to take Harry away from me and I don’t know if I can keep him by my side. I’m good at pushing people away, not at keeping them close.
I am really scared.
For now he is with me, he chooses me over the rest… but for how long? When I walk inside my house, finding Hope on my bed waiting for me to sleep, that question doesn’t leave my mind.
* * *
Harry’s been really busy, getting ready for the summer tour and with all the promo for the new album. He’s gone to five countries already and from what he’s told me, he wishes I could be with him but I can’t. After Easter break –which was a success with our presentation–, I’ve been studying really hard. I can’t even go to the airport when he is back because I have tons of tests and exams coming and I can’t drop my grades unless I want to lose my scholarship.
We’ve tried to find some time to be together, but right now the timing is not working. Maybe it’s because this term I’m taking the hardest courses of my whole major, so I need to study even more than what I did before. Harry understands though, he knows my career is important, as I understand his is too. We know we’ll mange to be together again.
So it’s Friday and I come back from Uni, tired and with my brain completely dead. Honestly, I don’t feel capable of even answering two plus two equals what? I’m so knackered I could just lie on the floor until the next day. Maybe I could sleep the whole weekend!
I turn on the telly by inertia; I don’t really know what I’m doing but I need to feel some noise as I move around the kitchen looking for food. Hope comes next to me and I pat her distractedly. I feel like a zombie, I really do need a power nap.
There’s this gossip channel on. Sometimes I watch it just to know how things are going, what they are saying about Harry and One Direction. We talk every day, but still, sometimes I like to see him, even if it’s on an interview. I must admit I really miss him and I can’t wait for my week of exams to be over and have a little break.
They are talking about this new band of girls that is causing a lot of controversy: Prodigy. They have this strong and tough look, yet they are feminine and very s*xy. They are four and they are compared to McFly for their catchy yet very rock-ish sound, like some of my favourite songs of Linkin Park. These girls play their own instruments and they own the stage when they perform. They are loud, strong and so energetic. The lead singer, Tammy I think I heard, is always causing controversy for her comments on interviews and her blunt honesty. When they are off stage they look so different, the kind of people that would never be friends, but when they are on stage, it’s like they are meant to be there. I reckon I really like their music and their voices, and they not only sing about love, breakups and arseholes. They have these very deep and touching songs about overcoming the bad moments in your life and that you can always do so much more.
And after talking about a girl band they go to a boy band, this time in particular to one curly-haired member and I can’t help smiling when I heard his name. This time I pay more attention to the hosts talking about my boyfriend.
“This time we have an exclusive, so don’t forget you heard it here first,” the host introduces and I wonder what it is now.
I take a seat in front of the telly with a steamy mug of English Afternoon and soon Hope jumps on my lap and gets comfortable.
“We have with us today Jennifer Jones, this lovely woman who has something very juicy to tell us. As you know, we always go for the truth and we want to show you who these celebrities really are.” I roll my eyes. As if! Everyone knows they only care about selling a story. They take everything they can and twist it until they can make money out of it.
I wonder how they will use this woman, Jennifer, to their benefit. Poor woman. She looks around thirty-five, with long blonde hair and green eyes, and an incredible body. Probably she doesn’t have kids. She looks sad, like she’s been crying recently. She is even holding a handkerchief in her hands. Again, poor woman.
“Dear Jennifer, please, tell us what happened. What brought you to talk to us?” The host asks Jennifer and the woman seems to fight to breathe evenly before talking.
“My life… my life got ruined and I was desperate. I have to make my husband see that this isn’t my fault,” she says and I get confused. How does this involve Harry? They were talking about him first. “And I think the world needs to know the truth.”
“They need indeed. Please, do tell us,” the host agrees and I’m still confused. I have a bad feeling about this and some inner voice tells me I should turn off the telly, but I want to understand.
“I– I was happily married, trying to have a baby with my husband but now all that is gone because I made one mistake. A mistake that maybe hundreds of women have made. I went out with my friends one night because they told me I needed to get my mind off of all the troubles I was having at home and in that club I met him.”
“Who?” the host asks and I feel my eyebrows trying to meet in confusion.
“Harry Styles,” Jennifer lets out as I hold my breath, the whole world stopping. “He was charming, he made me feel young again, desirable. I’m in love with my husband, but I couldn’t tell him no. And because of that night, my marriage is over. My husband found us the next morning and even though I tried to explain it to him, he left me. Just because of that little boy. I should have never let him buy me a drink! I told him I was married and he didn’t care!”
Jennifer bursts out crying, burying her face in the handkerchief, sobbing violently and the host pats her back in a lousy attempt to offer comfort, but she looks kind of disgusted.
“That’s terrible! But we all know Harry Styles is in a relationship now so this must’ve happened long time ago,” the host says but there’s something in her voice that tells me she knows more.
“This happened last weekend,” Jennifer confesses and my heart stops. I can’t breathe anymore, I don’t know what to do, what to feel or think in this moment. I can only see the woman crying desperately, and the host looking falsely surprised.
“My goodness gracious! That’s terrible! We thought our charming Harry Styles had changed but now we see he has not. And now he is also a home wrecker!” The host looks at the camera, as if she is looking right at me. “I’m sorry for the girl who is dating Harry Styles. I’m sorry you fell for a guy who’s capable of ruing this woman’s life. And I’m sorry for all those girls who think he is a prince charming. Now you know the truth: he is nothing but a womaniser who can’t be stopped.”
As her words echo, and the image of Jennifer crying over what she lost continues, my heart breaks and hits the floor. I’m shaking and I can’t breathe as I feel hot tears running down my cheeks, but I’m frozen, I can even brush them away. I knew I should’ve turned off the telly. Now I saw the proof that I should’ve never left Harry in because I was never going to be enough for him. Now I know I should’ve never left myself fall in love with him.
Why did I ever let my walls hit the floor?
Her dad opens the door as it’s already late and he’s back from work. Hannah introduced us a few weeks ago and it was really funny how he took the fact that I’m in a world famous boy band. Now he seems cool with that but he had to sit when Hannah told him. Again, it was funny.
“Hi, Mr. Morgan. Is Hannah home? I’ve been calling her but she hasn’t answered the phone,” I greet him and he looks worried.
“She’s in her room but something happened. She doesn’t wanna leave her room nor talk to me. I was hoping you would come, or Savannah, but she’s visiting some relatives this weekend.”
My bad feeling hits me even harder when I hear him so when he lets me in, I practically run to Hannah’s room. She is listening to music very loudly, I recognise Plug in Babyand I have to knock at her door louder than the music so she can hear me.
“I don’t wanna talk, Dad!” She shouts and there’s something in her voice, something different.
“It’s Harry. Hannah, what’s wrong? Open the door,” I ask shouting too so she can hear me.
The music stops and I think she is going to open the door and receive me in her arms, but instead she cries out: “GO AWAY! I don’t wanna see you ever again!”
I blink confused when I hear her, thinking I misheard her. “Hannah, what are you talking about? C’mon, babe, open the door. Tell me what’s wrong,” I insist but she doesn’t say anything else, yet she doesn’t put the music on again. “Hannah?” I call one more time.
The door bursts open and I almost fall but I recover when I see her eyes bloodshot and her face red. Clear signs she’s been crying. Panic rises in my body and my first instinct is to reach for her, but she steps back, looking at me with hatred. What the f**k happened?
“How dare you come here after what you did?” She spats, I see her hands in tight fists. “After what you did to that woman?”
“What are you talking about, babe? I don’t––”
“Don’t call me that!” She shouts and I step back unconsciously. The strength of her rage is so powerful and tangible. “I trusted you, I believed you cared about me but I was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t have believed you!”
“Hannah, I don’t understand. What’s going on?” I ask, trying to reach her hand but she smacks mine.
“Oh, so you’re pretending that it didn’t happen? That the whole world doesn’t know you cheated on me with that woman and not only that, but you destroyed her marriage?” I freeze, catching my breath as I can only blink in confusion.
What did she say?
“Oh, c’mon! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about! Everyone knows now how you destroyed that woman’s life!”
“Jennifer Jones. The woman who was crying heartbreakingly yesterday on that show, telling the whole world how you seduced her. How you didn’t care she was married and still went after her. How you did it even when you were with me!” Hannah screams and I feel like the whole world has stopped. When did this happen? Who the f**k is Jennifer Jones?
It takes me a few seconds to join the dots and understand what Hannah is saying and when I do, anger runs in my veins. I can’t believe she’s bought this crappy show, I can’t believe she actually thinks I would cheat on her.
“I don’t know who Jennifer Jones is or why she is saying those things. Since I met you I haven’t been with any other woman and you know that! At least, I thought you knew. I can’t believe you actually think I could do that! Hannah, you know me better than this!” I tell her through gritted teeth.
“You didn’t see that woman crying! The pain and sorrow in her face when she was telling the story. That’ can’t be a lie, Harry! I didn’t want to believe her, but I saw her!” She keeps shouting at me but her voice breaks at the end and she looks away. That’s when I see the first tears falling.
“I don’t know why she is doing that, Hannah, but I swear I don’t know her. I’ve never been with her and I would never go for a married woman! I’m not that low and you can’t think that of me.”
“I didn’t want to think that but… I saw her. Why, Harry? Why did you do it? I know I’m not enough but why with her?” She looks at me and the anger in her features has disappeared, there’s only heart-breaking pain in her eyes. “I knew… I knew I didn’t have to let you in, that you were going to break my heart.”
She looks away again and her words are like thousands of daggers through my heart. She is not only blaming me for a thing that has never happened, for something that a woman made up God knows why; but she is also regretting everything between us. She regrets letting me in after all what we’ve been through.
Moni’s words from a long time ago hit me, when she told me to be careful because it seemed like Hannah would use any excuse to build her walls up again, just to be safe and not take any risk. Now I realise that’s what Hannah is doing, using this stupid rumour just to tell herself that she should push me away and never let me in again. She is lying to herself instead of believing that I have nothing to do with this and this is just a sick woman trying to destroy me. Why? I don’t know. I know I’ve never met a Jennifer Jones and I don’t understand why she is doing this to me.
The anger in my blood boils this time, I start to see red as I start to understand what Hannah is doing and I’m tired. After all this time, after all I’ve done for her, to show her and to prove myself, this is what she thinks of me? After all we’ve been through, how much she’s worked to get better, she just takes this opportunity to throw everything to the bin?
I feel betrayed and disappointed, so disappointed in her and I’m not going to beg her anymore. I can’t keep doing this. I want to help her but if she doesn’t want to, if she wants to go back to that life she had before, then she can do it.
I give up.
“Fine. So that’s what you think of me?” I growl slowly. She looks at me confused. “Perfect. Go and build your walls up again, leave everyone out and drown in your self-pity. I don’t care anymore! I give up! I tried to help you, you know I did everything in my power to help you but if you want to use this lame rumour to lie to yourself, do it! I won’t be part of this anymore. I’m tired, Hannah. I’m tired of being afraid of this moment all the time! I can’t do this anymore, I give up! Do whatever you want. Push me away!” I scream and her eyes widen in shock. “There’s a limit and you are ways past that! I won’t come back again, Hannah. I can’t do it when you keep doing this, when you keep looking for something to make you think you’re better off alone. When you realise this is all bullshit, that all you’re blaming me for is rubbish, it’s going to be too late.”
Hannah doesn’t say anything, she only looks at me with her big green eyes wide open. I feel my own heart breaking, so disappointed it’s hard to breathe.
“This is it. I can’t do anything else for you. I can’t help you if you don’t really want to get better. I can’t force you. I thought you were different, I thought you’d know better than this to believe what people say about me. But I was wrong, I was so wrong.” I stop for a moment, trying to keep myself together as I keep saying this. “I hope you can be with yourself after you see what you just did, Hannah. If you really wanna get better, I can’t help you anymore.”
I don’t wait for any kind of answer, and I don’t even expect she’ll try to stop me. I know this is over, I know this is the end for us and as much as it breaks me, I can’t do anything else. This is the last straw and beyond this point, there’s nothing I can do. Hannah slipped away from me because she let go, not because I did something wrong. It’s not my fault. I held on for as long as I could.
As I go down stairs I clench my fists, trying not to break as much as I feel my heart hitting the floor. When I pass next to Hannah’s dad he’s looking at me confused, probably he doesn’t understand a single thing of what Hannah and I shouted at each other, but he knows it’s bad.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. Not really for shouting at his daughter, but for what he’ll have to face. Again.
He seems like he wants to say something, but I keep walking and leave the house before I do something embarrassing. It’s over, I have to accept it. I lost her. Even if I tried, and I really did try, I couldn’t beat her scars. I couldn’t heal her.
Whoever Jennifer Jones is, I hate her with all my being. That woman that came to make up rumours just to destroy me. If she hadn’t come with that absurd story, Hannah would’ve never done this.
But maybe she would’ve done it in another occasion. Moni was right, Hannah was just looking for an excuse to push me away and hide in her comfort zone again, away from everyone. If it weren’t Jennifer’s story, it would’ve been any other thing. This would’ve happened either way.
And that’s what hurts the most, that she’s actually done this. I can’t believe she actually bought this story just to have an excuse to push me away again. I can’t believe she actually thinks I can do something like this.
When I’m in my car, I’ve lost it. I hit the wheel so many times until I cut my hands and I’m bleeding. I’m screaming, I’m shouting so angry and disappointed, so broken. Powerless tears escape from my eyes as frustration drives me crazy.
I lost her, I lost her and I can’t get over that. Hannah, the only woman that I’ve really loved and she does this to me! I lost her because she wants me away. Because she pushes me away! I lost her at the hands of lies!
After what seems like forever, I’m so tired of screaming and hitting the wheel that I just stumble over it. Breathing heavily, brushing away the tears of frustration but I know I’ve left blood on my cheeks, as my hands keep bleeding with the small cuts I got. I cover my face with my hands, trying to calm down and figure out what to do, but I can’t only see the way Hannah looked at me, actually believing I cheated on her. I could’ve never done that! Never ever! I love her, for crying out loud!
From here, I don’t know where to go. If I go to my flat, Louis will tell me “I told you so” and I can’t hear that now. Not tonight. And I don’t feel like going to any of the lad’s flats. None of them would understand what it feels like to be this betrayed, so broken because you lost the person you love the most at her mistake.
But then I remember Moni knew this could happen, she warned me. And Mila… she went through something like this. Very differently, but she felt betrayed too. I remember that. So I find myself driving to their flat and knocking at their door. When Moni opens the door, her smile disappears and without asking a question, she hugs me tightly and makes me go inside as she calls Mila. When she closes the door, I know I’ve came to the right place and I can break now, they will never judge me.
“Foz fhe fgavef upf,” I mumble with the pillow still in my mouth. I’m sure no one understood what I just said.
Savannah reaches her limit as well because she takes my shoulder and pulls me backwards. I feel the moment Hope runs away before she ends up on the floor or even worse, at the door. My friend makes me face her but I can barely see, my eyesight is so blurry and my eyes burn with the light.
I’ve been inside my room for three whole days. I haven’t even left to eat, though Dad keeps bringing food to my door. I only leave my bed to go to the bathroom and even if my phone goes off, I don’t move to pick up. I know it’s not Harry calling.
I still can’t believe what he did but the moment he turned his back on me and left, my heart ended up breaking. When he disappeared from my side I realised that he was right, I’m using this just as an excuse to push him away because I’m still afraid. Yet he cheated on me! How can I ignore that and just go after him? How can I forgive him for that?
Anyways, that doesn’t matter anymore. It’s too late, he told me that already. He doesn’t believe I can be better, that I can properly heal once and for all, and to be honest, I don’t believe it either. Not anymore. Only when he was with me I could believe that everything was going to be fine, that I could make it.
“My goodness, Hannah!” Savannah cries out in shock and fear, I can feel it in her voice. “Please tell me, what happened?” She begs, hugging me tightly. I hold on to her for dear life, hoping that somehow her embrace may save me from keep sinking in my black pit of self-pity.
“Harry… Harry cheated on me!” I exclaim between fits of sobs. “With a married woman.”
I feel Savannah tensing next to me, her arms stiff around my body and her breaths are sharp and short. “That can’t be true,” she whispers and I feel like crying again.
I wish it wasn’t true!
“It is. That woman is now everywhere telling the world how Harry ruined her marriage!” I cry out, closing my eyes tightly as I try to push away the image of Jennifer Jones crying like there is no tomorrow.
“But I just saw the boys on an interview this morning and he didn’t mention a thing! He smiled and was nice to everyone,” she states, very confused herself.
Her words hurt me even more because if he is not denying it publicly, that means it is true. That last hope burns out.
“Why did he do this to me? Why? I fell for him, Savannah!” I scream desperately, grabbing so tightly to her jumper in my fists that my knuckles are white. “I fell in love with him and he does this to me! Why? I should’ve never let him in! That was my mistake!” I burst out crying, holding on to my friend because she is the only one there. The only one who has been here for me all this time, always bearing with me no matter what I’m going through.
“I’m so sorry, Hannah! I– I– I can’t believe this happened. There’s must be an explanation,” she insists but I know there’s no other explanation but the fact that I don’t mean as much as I thought I meant to Harry. He clearly never felt as deeply as he made me think.
Maybe it was always a game; after he got what he couldn’t have, he got bored.
There’s a part of me that keeps protesting inside, screaming that all this is bullshit and I shouldn’t believe the lies I’m saying, but what else can it be?
I try to smile at her idea, but I can’t really do that. I really feel like a zombie. I’m just here but I’m not really alive.
“C’mon! Let’s go out. You need to get some fresh air so you can clean your mind and prepare for what comes. What if we go see guitars?” I try to smile again as I know what Savannah is trying to do.
She knows I can’t talk about my feelings for too long, that this is all I can do for now and she is trying to help me take a break. She is trying to distract me because if I stay here, I’ll drown in my tears and dark thoughts.
I don’t think it’ll work, but I appreciate her trying.
“Shower and get ready, we’re going out!” She instructs more determined this time. I can’t even protest when she shoves me into my bathroom and the shower. And she doesn’t leave the room until I actually take a shower and get out, and get ready.
Somehow, she manages to take me out of the house and I’m surprised to see Dad in the house at this time on a Monday. He is supposed to be at the garage, but he is here and when I look at him I see the dark bags under his eyes, the messy hair, the same clothes he was wearing on Friday and his tired expression. I realise in that moment he’s been here all this time, trying to get to me but failing because I closed the door in his face.
I feel like I can break down right there, begging for forgiveness, but Savannah doesn’t give me time; soon she is pushing me inside her car and driving to the city centre. She makes sure to play the loudest and best music she has on her mobile so we find ourselves listening to this new band I quite like: Prodigy until she parks in front of my favourite music shop.
I’m still not sure how, but I find myself inside of the store looking at guitars and even if I still feel miserable and even more broken than I ever was, seeing all the guitars makes me feel a wee better. It’s like they bring a bit of joy in this moment when I feel there’s no way out. As I take one guitar and start playing random chords, Savannah keeps watching me, always smiling.
Without noticing, I end up playing Stomach Tied in Knots and I feel the moment my tears start falling again, remembering the night I sang this song for Harry, telling him that I wasn’t afraid anymore.
What a filthy liar I am.
“Hey, Han! Don’t cry, look at the beautiful Gibson you’re holding! C’mon, please!” My friend begs kneeling in front of me but I push the guitar aside, feeling like I can’t do this anymore. I need my bed, I need my pillow and try to lose myself in the darkness of oblivious dreams.
“No, Moni!” I heard someone screaming and that feminine voice sounds familiar. I look up in the voice’s direction and my eyes find Mila and Moni. Moni looks like she is about to jump and kill someone whilst Mila is trying to hold her back. I see the hatred in the brunette’s eyes and she is glaring right at me.
“I’ll kill her! I’m so gonna kill her!” Moni shouts calling everyone’s attention, even Savannah is looking at them now, scared and surprised at the same time. She recognises the two girls too, they got along so well the day they met. Moni fangirled so hard over finally meeting Savannah but now she doesn’t even register my friend, she can only look at me with bloodthirsty desire.
“You can’t kill her here!” Mila insists, fighting so hard to keep Moni away, but the brunette is bigger and stronger than the petite black-haired girl.
“Moni, please! They’ll kick us out, you’ll end up in trouble.” Mila tries to stop her friend and I know she is not doing that for me, she is doing it for Moni, so her friend won’t end up in jail or something. When Mila looks at me, I see the same hatred and disappointment in her eyes.
“I don’t care! She is there! She hurt Harry and I can’t just stand here doing nothing!” Moni screams then her eyes are on me again and the power of her anger is so strong it feels like it’s slapping me already. “How could you even doubt him? Harry would never, ever, cheat on someone. Even less when he is with someone he cares so much about! How could you even think, for a second, that all that shit that woman is saying could be true? How can you be so f**king stupid!” She shouts so loud everyone gasps, people are even leaving the shop, really scared whilst others step closer to see the show. “How could you fail him like that?” Her voice shatters as I keep breathing heavily, so scared I can’t even move. “You know how they are, what they would do to sell and make money, just to destroy Harry’s image yet you still believed that b***c!” She cries out again. “That woman made everything up, God knows why, but I can tell you Harry’s never seen her before ‘cos when she claims she was with him, Harry was with Ed and I. And what has Harry said about it? NOTHING! Because Harry doesn’t go around ruining people’s lives and you should know that by now! Even if half of his fans believed the b***c and attacked him, he never stopped smiling at them. That’s Harry! And you hurt him!”
Mila is not fighting to stop Moni anymore, the brunette stays three metres away from me, almost as if she is too disgusted to take another step closer. She looks at me with so much disappointment and anger, almost as if I had betrayed her. I remember how she’s always looked at Harry as her little brother and now she is just defending him.
But it’s not the way Moni looks at me, or how she is standing that shocks me the most; it is her words. She is the witness that Harry never did what that woman said, Moni is the proof that it was all a lie and Harry never cheated on me. Moni has just confirmed that I made my biggest mistake just because I was so scared that I took whatever excuse to justify pushing him away.
I’m the biggest idiot ever!
Harry was right. Everyone was right. And now it’s too late. Harry’s words keep repeating in my mind over and over again: ‘When you realise this is all bullshit, that all you’re blaming me for is rubbish, it’s going to be too late.’
I’m so ashamed, so disappointed in myself for buying this lie and hurting Harry that I can’t hold myself together anymore. I fall to my knees and neither Moni nor Mila react, though Savannah hurries to my side.
“You just lost one of the best men you could’ve ever found. You won’t meet someone like Harry ever again,” Mila states coldly, throwing even more daggers at my chest.
In that moment, I start sobbing again, bursting out crying, hiding my face in my hands.
“I thought you could make Harry happy. I wanted you to be his girl,” Moni sighs and even above the noise of my sobs and the whispers of the people around, I can feel the pain in her voice. “You rejected his help so many times, and all he ever wanted was to help you and love you, Hannah. And you threw that away. I hope that now you realise how big of a f**ktard you are.”
She is being nice with her words because I deserve worse. For being the bl**dy idiot I am, for being the biggest arse in history, for making the most humongous mistake in my whole life. I deserve a lot of worse words from Moni and everyone else. Starting with Harry.
“I’m so sorry!” I cry out, finally speaking since Moni tried to attack me. Why didn’t she hurt me? It would have been easier to bear than this agonising pain in my chest tearing me up mercilessly. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry!”
“Too late,” Mila whispers and next I hear how they make their way out of the crowd, away from us.
I start crying even harder, holding on to Savannah with all I have because in that moment, she is all I have. I’ve lost everything else.
I lost my Mum because of an accident. I didn’t let my Dad help me, get to me. I pushed Harry and stabbed him in the back when all that he did was to help me. I pushed him away and this time there’s no one else to blame but myself. I can’t blame a drunk driver, I can’t blame bad luck, I can’t blame destiny. It’s all me. It’s not even Jennifer Jones’ fault because I believed her lies, I decided to buy her show. I’m no better. In fact, I’m worse. I’m a million times worse because I hurt the person I love with what I did. And now it’s too late.
Yes, everything is over. Yes, she stabbed me in the back. Yes, she ruined everything, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving her. I just can’t shut down my feelings for her like that, what I feel for that stubborn and coward ginger girl is too strong to overcome in a few days. Plus, it seems like every single thing in my world reminds me of her.
I see Ed, I think of her hair, always falling so graciously around her features.
I see a cat, I think of Hope and how lovely Hannah is with that little kitty.
I see a guitar, I think of Hannah playing Stomach Tied in Knots for me.
I see a microphone, I think of Hannah singing for so many kids in the school.
I see my Lexus, and all I can think of is Hannah. She is always in my mind, making this even more painful, more unbearable. I wish my feelings were like a switch and I could easily turn them off, but I can’t. And that is killing me.
And Louis is not helping, he keeps insulting Hannah and I want to defend her, I want to yell at him to shut up, but I can’t do it. It’s over, I don’t owe her anything, she pushed me away. Why should I keep defending her? I don’t have to, as I don’t have to answer all the questions people keep throwing at me.
What happened with Hannah?
Is it true what Jennifer Jones claims?
Did you really destroy that marriage?
Are you single again?
Why did you cheat on your girlfriend?
What will you do to help Jennifer?
I just want to yell at them to leave me the f**k alone. I have enough with my own misery, with my anger and disappointment, I have enough with my own sorrow. I hate Jennifer so much and I hope I’ll never see her, because that day I would lose control. People keep asking, but I say nothing. It’s not their business, I’m only selling my music, not my life. I smile, wave, take pictures and carry on. They won’t get anything from me, anything but a song. But if I see Jennifer, that woman that is spreading lies so they can pay her to have her in their shows… if I see her, I will react, I will yell and do something I would regret later.
I don’t know why she decided to ruin my life like this, why she picked me to made up a crazy story, but I hate her and I rather never have the opportunity to ask her why. If I do have that chance, I’ll end up on the tabloids for worse reasons and I certainly don’t need that, I have enough.
“I tried to warn you, Harry. Staying here won’t solve anything, you just need to move on. All women are the same, no one is worth it,” he insists and his words cut even deeper. “OUCH!” He cries out next and for the first time I look up to see Louis now on the floor, rubbing his arms. Next to him is Moni, her hand in a tight fist and looking murderously at Louis.
“Shut the f**k up, Louis Tomlinson! How dare you say that? What’s wrong with you? You can’t say those things to Harry now!” She spats and I blink surprised, Louis’ mouth is shaped in a perfect O, as astonished as I am. “It’s time to cut this show. Enough is enough, you f**ktard! If you can’t push your resentment aside for your best mate, then get out! Harry doesn’t need I-told-you-sos right now. Is he your best mate or what? A best friend puts his own issues aside to help the other, and you’re doing quite the opposite now! So if you can’t put aside your bitterness, leave now before I really hit you and do something ugly with your face!”
I eye carefully at Moni who still breathes heavily. I’m beyond surprised, she’s been always so mean to me, always making me believe she hates my guts and that I’m her least favourite, but she’s acting as protective as she was with Mila when all this issue with her stories happened, when she didn’t allow anyone get near her friend. She is in the Dragon-mode again, this time for me.
She turns to look at me and her eyes soften, concern replacing her anger. “How you feeling?” She asks and soon I hear more steps: Mila coming with a tray with three mugs. “We made tea for you, it’ll make you feel a wee better,” she promises helping Mila and handing me a mug. I sit straight as I take the mug in my hands, smelling the sweet scent of the black homemade tea.
“Same old,” I say with all honesty. I’ve pour my guts to these two girls, I’m not afraid of being honest. “I still feel like there’s something missing inside.”
The two girls look at each other, as if they were looking for the words to say with teamwork. They can communicate so easily without saying a single word, they can express so perfectly together it is impressive. And I’ve noticed Zayn is learning that, he can now finish Mila’s sentences and they can say thing to each other without uttering words. Moni and Ed have another kind of language, but I’ve noticed it too.
Again, that aching longing comes back, and this time is worse because I got it for a moment, for a few weeks I had what I always wanted, what almost all my friends have but I lost it and now I miss it more than ever.
“I’m so sorry, Harry,” Moni starts.
“But you’re taking this quite well. At least, publicly. You have the right to be sad in your flat, you don’t have to pretend in here,” Mila finishes taking a seat at my other side. I’m surrounded by them but it feels good to have them with me, giving me their support.
“I miss her,” I confess looking at the black beverage in the mug. “I miss her terribly.”
First I feel their arms around me before Mila speaks, “I know and I’m sorry this happened, Harry. If it makes you feel better, Moni will kill that whore that made up all this story. We’re tracking her down already,” she says with a cheerful tone and I chuckle humourlessly. “Just promise me you’ll help me bail her out of jail.” This time, I laugh and when I look at the brunette, she is smiling brightly, as if she wouldn’t have any problem whatsoever with killing someone.
Sometimes Moni is too bloodthirsty.
“Thanks,” I whisper and they sigh. A heavy sigh that tells me there’s something else, something they are keeping from me. “What’s it?” I ask and they pull apart uncomfortable, proving me that they are indeed hiding something. “Tell me now.”
“I– I may or may not almost attacked Hannah today.” At her words, my eyes widen and I almost drop my mug. “I didn’t!” She hurries to say, but I still look at her shocked.
Ugh! Why do I care so much?! Why can’t I just stop caring already? She betrayed me! She believed Jennifer instead of me, she decided to believe the words of a woman she has never met just to have a reason to push me away. I shouldn’t care anymore!
But I do, I can’t help it and I kind of hate myself for that reason.
“We saw her at the music shop today. I had to stop Moni from jumping over her and hurting her,” Mila carries on.
“I told her you never were with that woman,” the brunette continues, looking away. “I was so mad, it just slipped out of my mouth. I’m sorry.”
For a moment I hold my breath, trying to think of what this means. Now Hannah knows for sure I never got involved with Jennifer Jones, now she knows it was all a lie. Now she knows she made a mistake, but… will this make a difference? I told her that by this moment, it was going to be too late.
And it is.
She’ll never change, she’ll never get over the grief of her lost. Maybe now she realises it was a mistake, that she should’ve believed me, but what happens next? When the next poisonous snake comes and tries to get something out of me with lies and fake tears? Hannah will believe them again, and again. There will always be someone trying to take advantage of my reputation, of my previous mistakes, of my fame and I can’t trust Hannah that she’ll believe me. I can’t trust her anymore because she will take anything just to push me away and go back to her comfort zone.
“Is she okay?” I ask because I don’t know what else to say.
Moni looks away again, conflicted whether to tell me the truth or to lie to me. I can read her, I know her already. So I look at Mila, hoping she will tell me. “No,” the black-haired girl whispers very low. “She was crying heartbreakingly when we left.”
Her words make something twitch inside of me, like thousands of knots twisting in sheer anguish. I want to do something because there’s nothing I hate more than seeing Hannah cry, seeing her unhappy, but it’s not my place anymore. I have nothing to do with her anymore. She pushed me away and I gave up, I accepted there’s nothing I can do for her anymore. She is hopeless.
I leave the mug on the coffee table and rise to my feet, walking away without saying a word. I want to forget about her, I want to delete from my memory all the time we spent together. I want to forget all those times when she surprised me with her reactions, when she didn’t acknowledge me for being Harry Styles but for being Ed Sheeran’s friend. I want to forget the first time she smiled at me. I want to forget when she told me she didn’t want me in her life. I want to forget when she told me about her mum. I want to forget when she held on to me for dear life. I want to forget when she yelled at me for driving like crazy and scaring her. I want to forget when she kissed me and giggled, impressed with what she had done. I want to forget all those moments yet I don’t want to forget a single thing because every single moment is a treasure in my mind, a painful treasure.
I go outside to the balcony and I let the merciless cold embrace me. I’m just with trousers and a light jumper so I feel the strength of the winter in my bones, but I don’t care. I feel numb already, this doesn’t make any difference.
As I stare at the horizon I keep wondering why, why did I have to fall for the broken girl who doesn’t want to get better? Why did I have to fall for the girl who only knows how to push away?
I wanted to fall in love and when I did, I regret, yet at the same time I wouldn’t change a thing. I feel so conflicted and stupid. But I can’t think of anything else.
It’s been three days, but it feels like three lives.
And I know that even if Hannah comes knocking at my door, asking me for forgiveness, it wouldn’t make a difference. I can’t trust her anymore, I know deep inside she doesn’t want to heal. She want’s to stay broken and hurt so she can feel sorry for herself and lock herself inside walls that no one can stumble down.
I found the most amazing girl but she is too broken for me to fix and I can’t have her anymore and that hurts more than I can even describe. I wonder when this pain will go and let me breathe again. For some reason, I don’t think it will be soon enough. Maybe I’ll always feel like I have a thorn in my heart, but I’ll move on, I’ll forget about her eventually. I’ll forget her beautiful smile, the sparkle of her green eyes, the way her hair danced behind her when she walked, the way she cocked her head to the right when she listed to a song for the first time, picking up all the notes in the air, the way she stuck her tongue out at me when she always hit the centre of the target and I kept failing.
Eventually, I’ll forget all that and more.
When I finally get to her grave, I put down the flowers I bought that will be dead by tomorrow, but I couldn’t come with empty hands again. I look at the stone with her name and the day she left, I try to smile but tears are already burning in my eyes and I have to blink many times before saying even hello.
“This time I did bring flowers,” I say with a sad smile, hugging myself to keep me warm. My coat is not enough, but I guess it’s good to feel cold, it reminds me I’m still alive, no matter how dead I feel inside. “I– I really need you now, Mum,” I carry on slowly, carefully picking all the words I need to say. “I’ve made an awful mistake, maybe my biggest mistake.”
Harry’s smile flashes before my eyes and then I see his hurt expression when he turned around and left my house. That’s the last image I have of him and it hurts every time I remember it. I can’t believe what I did, I can’t believe that I was actually that stupid to doubt him. I can’t believe I’m such a coward that I used anything just to find an excuse to hide again. And my stupidity hurt the boy I’m in love with and now I lost him over that.
“I hurt Harry, Mum. I betrayed him and ruined everything. And the worst part is that I realise I’m in love with him, but he gave up on me and now everything is over and I don’t know how to fix it. He told me it’s too late,” I tell my mum and I wish, oh so badly, she could be here with me, listening to me, hugging me, with some wise advice.
I really need my mum now.
“Why can’t I let go of this pain, Mum? I thought I was getting better, I honestly thought I was doing fine but then I throw this shitty move and everything is lost. Everything. And I’m worse than ever. I don’t even have him now.” I look at her grave, desperately, whishing that somehow she’ll come out of the ground and reach me. “Why can’t I let go of your lost?” My voice trembles and I feel the hot tears on my cheeks again.
Honestly, how many tears do I have? Will I ever run out of them?
“I know I wish you never left, but it’s like that for as long as I wish that, I can’t have anyone else. I can’t have Harry.” I choke in my words.
I feel like I’m in the middle of the motorway, at one side there’s Mum, smiling at me, holding out her hand and behind her there are all the memories of a past where I was happy, where I was whole. At the other side there is Harry, looking at me with a surrendered expression, behind him all the possibilities of a brighter future. I want to run to him, I want to throw myself at his arms, but I can’t let go of the past, I can’t let go of my mother.
“It’s like for as long as I hold on to your memory, I can’t have a future, and even more, a future with Harry,” I say between soft sobs, my shoulders shaking with hurtful spams. I’m breaking into pieces, yet I’m still standing and I don’t even know how this is possible. “I want to be with him, but I can’t leave you behind. What can I do, Mum? How can I solve this?” I cry out desperate, my voice shattered and unrecognisable.
I cover my face with my hands and in my mind I see how Harry starts to dissolve in he background and with him all the possibilities, but Mum is still there, with me. But I don’t feel better, and as the cold touches my very bones, shaking me from inside, I see how Mum loses her smile.
“This is not what I want,” she says in my mind and I’m on my knees in the middle of the motorway, still sobbing. “This is not what you need, Hannah. You can’t go on like this, holding on to the past and afraid of the future. You can’t change what happened but you can change what may happen. You’re a clever girl,” she adds with a smile, stepping closer.
“But I miss you, I need you,” I protest, holding on to her, so afraid of letting her go.
“No, you don’t need me anymore. You’re a big girl now and stronger than what you think, Hannah Banana,” she laughs at the silly nickname she used to call me when I was five. “You don’t need me anymore, but you need him. He makes you happy, doesn’t he?” I nod, I don’t even have to think, the answer has always been clear. “Then what are you doing? Show him that you are not living in the past anymore, that you’re a big girl now. I’m proud of you, Hannah, and I know I’ve taught you well, but what you’re doing now is not what I taught you. You’re better than this.”
“I’m no better, I’m a wreck!” I cry out, my whole body shaking with violent spams.
“You are, don’t be silly,” she pats my head lightly, kissing the top of it. “Stop lying to yourself, I know you’re capable of doing it, I believe in you. The only one who doesn’t believe in you, it’s you. It’s time for you to hold that head high and walk in the right direction. I left, but you didn’t and it’s time for you to stop wanting things you can’t change.”
“But I miss you,” I insist.
“And I miss you. I love you, my dear Hannah, and I will always love you, but I want you to be happy. Stop hurting yourself like this, stop denying what you want. Go and show that boy the real Hannah. I know she is in there.” Mum pokes my heart lightly with her index finger. “Let her see the light of the sun again, let her be happy and free. Don’t stop yourself anymore, there’s no need of that, sweetie. No one will judge you for being happy.”
I don’t know what to say, but I know she is right.
“Life is meaningless if we don’t take risks, Hannah, and those things we work the hardest to get are the best thing in life. Those things that may hurt us the most are the things that will make us the happiest. And those things are always worth it. Go, be happy, smile, because every time you smile, you have me closer. Every smile of yours is a smile of my own. Every time you laugh, I laugh. Every time you enjoy yourself, I enjoy myself too. I’m with you, Hannah; I never really left. No one really goes, because we have memories, because we have hearts. Stop crying for me because I’m still with you, every single moment of your day. I’m always with you, Hannah, even closer than before.”
Always with me… never left.
I breathe slowly and deeply, letting the words sink in my soul as I see my mother smile and I know she realises the moment I finally internalise her wise advice because her smile grows wider.
“That’s my girl, always clever. Now open your eyes and remember that every time you want to see me again, you just have to close your eyes and open your heart. You’ll hear me if you stop shutting people out.”
I open my eyes and I’m not in the motorway anymore, I’m in the cemetery, surrounded by snow, freezing to death but I feel alive, I feel I have a purpose again, I have direction. And I feel like I have my mum again with me.
I never realised that by building up walls around me, I was also shutting my mother out. Now I know how fool I’ve been and how easy I could have avoided all this pain for all these years. But I can’t change the past, Mum told me that –or maybe it was my subconscious, but I rather think it was Mum–, but I can change the present and I will.
No one but me is tearing my walls down and this time I won’t build them again. I won’t shut anyone else out again. Not my Mum, not Dad, not Sheila, not Harry, not Savannah… not anyone. And most certainly, I won’t keep lock my real self inside anymore. My inner self deserves to see the light and this time I’ll let her. Everyone will see the real Hannah. No more hiding for fear to get hurt. No more excuses to build up walls. This time I’m kicking all the bricks so far away that I’ll never reach them again.
This time I’m free.
I smile honestly for the first time since I saw that gossip on the telly, I laugh at myself for being so stupid but I’m ready to fix this, to change things. To finally move on.
“Thank you, Mum,” I say still smiling and I swear I feel her smiling back at me, proud of me. “Now wish me luck and pray it’s not too late. I won’t let Harry fade away,” I add holding my head high. “I’ll get him back, I’ll show him how much I’m sorry and how this time I’m better because he deserves that.”
Taking a last a deep breath, I leave and this time I don’t feel like I leave my mum behind. Oh no, this time I feel her right next to me, walking by my side. I still can’t believe I never felt her before, I was so blind with my own fears and wrong ideas that I never realised I never really lost her. For three years, I put walls between her and I.
Not anymore. No more walls with anyone.
As I get in my Mini Couper and drive back home, I keep thinking of what I can do. I need to show Harry this time I really mean it, that this time I’ve finally let my wounds heal. By the time I get there, I grab Hope in my arms and shower her in kisses. I feel new, I feel happy and ready. I feel whole again, yet there’s something missing in my chest and I know what it is. Who is missing. But I’ll get him back and everything will be fine again, I know it.
I run to the piano, grabbing all the music sheets I have and leaving Hope on top of it, hoping she will help me with the creative process. The only idea I came up with during my ride here was to write him a song, a song that shows him all my feelings and my change. A song that will show him who I really am, without keeping anything from him.
I write many verses, different melodies, but nothing sounds right. My floor is flooded with paper balls, yet I keep trying, but nothing is enough. Nothing shows him, nothing proves him that I really mean it. I sang for him before, I told him I wasn’t afraid and that was a lie. Why would he believe me now?
I can scream to the world that I love him. I can go on a stage and sing to everyone how much he means to me, but that won’t show him I’ve changed.
He gave up on me not because he thinks I don’t love him, he gave up on me because he thinks I don’t want to get better, that I can’t get better and I need to show him I can. I did.
He helped me to start, he took my hand during the whole process and I failed in the last stage and then he let go, but that’s what I needed. I had to take that last step alone and now I did it, now I’m finally ready. Now I can say I’ve finally cleaned my wounds and they are ready to heal. The itches are there, the skin is pulled together and there’s no fresh flesh. I took the last step and I’m better and he needs to see that.
A song won’t show him that.
So no matter how many music sheets I waste writing songs to tell him my feelings, that’s not enough. No sheet will hold how much he’s done for me, how I’ve changed. Words will fade into the nothingness, but actions will stay forever. I need to actually do something and as I stroke Hope’s fur, breaking my skull trying to figure out what, the answer comes to me, almost a whisper carried by the wind.
Suddenly, the answer is clear and I’m not afraid, I know I can do it. Even if it takes time, all I need to do is to show him I’m fine. I’m finally fine.
I try not to say her name… it’s easier that way. Less painful.
The lads and the girls know I’m doing better, yet I still catch them staring at me with worried expressions, but I smile at hem honestly, letting them know I’ll be fine. I’m not the first one to go through this and certainly I won’t be the first. If other can do it, so can I. maybe one day I’ll meet someone else and I’ll fall in love again, I’m pretty sure I won’t fall this hard ever again, but I’ll be in love again and I’ll be happy. For now, I don’t need anyone else. I’m better off alone.
Moni and Mila are not afraid to let me alone anymore. Louis asks me to go out with him and I go, I have fun and I don’t remember a thing the next morning. I laugh with the lads and if I remember her, I force myself to push that thought aside until I’m alone and I can mourn my lost. I’m doing my best to move on and I know everything will be fine at least.
When the whole Jennifer’s story came out, many people attacked me on the social networks. I lost around three million followers in one day and I didn’t mind, I wasn’t even surprised that so many people believed that woman and I didn’t even bother to deny it nor confirm it. I just let it be, hoping that the lie would fall by its own weight. And it did. A few days ago Jennifer husband made an appearance and told everyone that he didn’t left her because of me but because she couldn’t stop lying. Turns out Jennifer Jones is an actress and she needed fame, she needed to be recognised for her career to bust, and she could only think of lying to do so. When she told that to her husband, he left her, disgusted for the extents she could reach.
So the truth came out publicly, she apologised to me and so did many other gossip shows and tabloids. And let’s no talk about the fans. Because in a matter of hours all those millions of fans that unfollowed me, came back claiming they always loved me and they were sorry. I still say nothing about it, I pretend it never happened.
And with that solved, I’ve felt a bit better. I think everyone feels a bit better, now we can go out and no one starts yelling at me home wrecker or manwhore, which is always nice.
I’m sure that by when the tour finally starts, everything will be fine and I’ll enjoy every single moment I spend on stage, doing what I love the most. Maybe I’ll even end up forgetting about her, though there’s still a small part of me that whispers I’ll never forget about her. Not really, at least. But I ignore that voice, I don’t need it.
I’ve noticed the girls go out a lot together. Alex, Phebs, Belle, Mila, Moni and sometimes even with Kay. The other day only they went to a gig of this new girl band –Prodigy, I think it’s the name– and even if one of us wanted to go with them, they didn’t allow it. They said it was a night girls out. Since then, this band became one of Alex, Moni, Mila and Kay’s favourite. They couldn’t stop talking about how amazing they are for two days in a row.
Yes, they are still talking about this gig. It’s kind of funny, Mila seems infatuated with the bass player and lead singer –I can’t remember their name–, Moni adores the lead singer too and Alex thinks the lead guitar is a genius. Apparently, Kay adores the drummer.
I freeze and so does everyone else, even Kay. She is spending a lot of time around us lately, getting along with the girls and always picking on Louis, reason why he is not around right now. The thing is, she knows about what happened with… her, she knows no one mentions her and I thought no one wanted to see her, I thought no one had seen her again.
What is this? What the f**k?
“What did you say?” I ask carefully. Maybe I misheard her, but the panic in her eyes tells me otherwise.
I look at Mila and Moni, they would never lie to me and when our eyes meet I know they are studying me, pondering whether they tell me something or not. I still breathing with difficulty, not expecting this.
Did they meet by accident in that gig? Why didn’t they tell me before? Why didn’t Moni tried to kill her again? This doesn’t make any sense.
“Hannah invited us to that gig,” Alex answers and my head snaps in her direction. Her eyes are cold yet very cautious. Niall next to her moves uncomfortably and I wonder if he knows about this as well. “We’ve been hanging out with her lately,” she carries on and I feel betrayed.
It’s not enough that she stabbed me three weeks ago, now they push the dagger even deeper.
“What?” I say through gritted teeth. “You’re shitting me, right?” I make use of Alex’s most typical phrase.
“No,” Mila answers this time. As my eyes search for the petite girl, I see how uncomfortable Kay is. This slipped out of her mouth, this wasn’t meant to happen. They were planning on hiding this from me, but why? For how long? Do they honestly think I can’t take it?
“Why? Why didn’t you tell me before?” I question, the pain clear in my voice.
“Because we were testing her,” Moni answers this time but I still don’t understand. The brunette takes a deep breathe and looks at Mila, asking her to continue.
“Because no one would let her near you unless we were sure she has changed,” one of my best friends says, her eyes sure and determined. “We ran into her like two weeks ago and she looked fine, looked so much better and for a moment Moni almost killed her, but then she talked to us.”
“‘I’ve even kicked the bricks, no more walls with anyone,’ she said,” Moni reports and those words hit me mercilessly, like a slap across my face that leaves me looking in the opposite direction. “She claimed that this time she wasn’t only letting you in, but everyone else.”
I feel like the ground is moving, like the whole room is spinning and I need a hold, but there’s nothing I can hold on to. These words are more and more slaps and I need a break to catch my breath, but they keep talking.
“She asked us let her prove herself first with us,” Mila adds and my chest hurts.
Why is she doing this? Why like this? She never came to me, she never tried to talk to me but she talks to them? She made the mistake with me! She should at least have apologised to me first! I don’t understand what she is doing, I don’t know what to think of this.
“She has changed,” Alex states next and when I look at her, I notice my hands are shaking so I ball them and hide them inside the pocket of my old purple hoodie. “She smiles, she laughs with us effortlessly, she socialises with anyone. It’s like nothing stops her anymore.”
“When I met her she looked afraid of talking to people,” Kay intervenes this time and I think it’s the first time I see her talking seriously. She is always only jokes and laughter. “Now she is not afraid to make new friends.”
No walls, I think, chanting those two words in my mind over and over again.
But I can’t just believe what they are saying to me. I can’t just believe that Hannah finally changed. But how? I didn’t push her this time, she was alone. I know Savannah didn’t do it, she tried before and never succeeded. Her dad never got even closer. This time she was alone, why would she finally change?
“Was… Was Savannah there as well?” I ask, not sure why.
“A few times, but not always,” Moni answers with a smile, a smile that tells me she knows better what’s going on in my head than I know myself.
Hannah could talk to other people, try to be friends with them as long as Savannah or I were around, so she could have a shield, someone to lean on… but now she was alone and she did it. If what the girls tell me is true, she finally did it.
“I asked her to go to a party with me and Grimmy,” Kay tells me as if she is telling me one of her adventures in Paris, her smile easy and light. “She accepted without hesitation and we had fun. She is really fun to be around but she is a lightweight.”
My mouth opens in shock and I try to blink the surprise away. This doesn’t sound like the Hannah I know, this sounds more like the Hannah I never got to meet, that one that was so buried inside that I thought I would never reach. But now that part of her is outside… when I’m not around.
“She told us about this car exhibition the other day,” Moni tells me, her smile still scheming.
“She asked us to help in one of Savannah’s videos,” Mila adds, careful of my reaction.
I feel overwhelmed with information, with so many changes that I haven’t seen, but the girls have and I know they would never lie to me. Not with something as important as this.
But I still don’t understand why she didn’t talk to me first, why didn’t she tell me she was getting better without my help? Maybe she doesn’t need me anymore, maybe she doesn’t even want to fix things between us. But then I remember I told her that it was going to be too late.
Is it too late? If she walks in now and tells me she is sorry, that she wants to start where we left off… what would I say?
She is better, that’s all what I’ve always wanted for her, to heal and be happy, be free. I always thought she needed me for that, but she doesn’t. She did it without me, she did it when I walked away. What does that say?
That she doesn’t need me. And I guess I still want her to need me, but she won’t walk through my doors asking me to forgive her, even if she has finally healed.
I thought I was getting better myself, I thought I was forgetting about her, but the mention of her name is enough to bring me back to where she left me and now I feel worse, because she is better but I’m not. I feel pathetic, I feel like a complete loser. And that’s what I am, right?
Without a single word, I rise to my feet and leave the room. I hear them calling me and I even run into Louis when I’m leaving, but I don’t stop. My mind is pure chaos and I feel lost, without ground to stand upon. I feel like I’ve lost my direction and I don’t know where I’m going now.
She got better, she finally destroyed all her walls by her own. She makes friends, she lets other people in without my help. She doesn’t need me anymore, but I… I still need her. Even if I say it’s over, even if I say I won’t come back to her, I still want her with me.
I’m the biggest idiot ever.
But I have pride, and I won’t go to her. She is clearly better off without me, why even bother? She can be friends with my friends, she can go out with them as much as she wants. I won’t go to her, I won’t ask her for explanations, I won’t demand anything.
It’s over. I said it already.
I’m not sure where I’m going, but most likely I’ll end up in my car, driving to a place where I can be alone and let my anger out. Maybe I’ll go to the gym and I’ll canalise all my frustration and confusion there, but my mobile goes off. Angrily, I stop and take the gadget out of my pocket and I’m about to just decline the call, but I see her picture on the screen. I didn’t delete her contact, I never thought she was going to call me again and I knew I would never call her, it wasn’t necessary to delete it. But now she is calling… Hannah is calling me.
“You don’t have to ask us for a second chance,” Mila said, I remember clearly the look in her eyes, a mix between confusion and scepticism.
“But I want you to see with your eyes that I have changed, I want you to tell me that in fact I’m better and that this time I won’t hurt Harry the same way. If you can see that I’ve finally tear my walls down once and for all, then I can talk to Harry and see if he can forgive me, but first I need to pass this test and I need you,” I insisted and the two girls looked at each other pondering the situation, communicating without saying words before they uttered the verdict.
“Show us,” Mila smiled and so did I, finally seeing a little of spark.
I thought that was hard, but that’s because I didn’t have to call Harry after all this time. Mila and Moni had finally told me that I had changed, even Alex and Kay agreed. And that means that now I have to talk to Harry and explain everything, but even if the girls say I’m ready, I feel like something is eating me from inside. My heart beats heavily as I look at my mobile over and over again. I’ve been pacing across my room for about an hour already, and I’ve been about to call Harry more than twenty times. I always hang up before the first tone.
I’m not the same girl, I’ve finally left my fears behind and I know my wounds are finally healing. I feel better, I feel alive and closer to all the people I love… but I still don’t have Harry and I need him so much it hurts to think of him and knowing he’s not with me. I don’t need him to push me to do what I have to do anymore, but I need him to hold my hand and smile at me, telling me that I can do it, that I’m in the right way. I need him to feel whole again. He is the missing piece and I can’t let him walk away from me. I can’t let him leave me.
I can fix this.
If I could only make myself call him.
“I’ll do it this time, Hope. This time I won’t hang up,” I say out loud looking at my cat –my God, she is so big now– who is sleeping on my bed, not really listening to me. Man, being a cat is easy, they don’t have to make important calls.
I’m still not sure of what I’ll tell Harry, I just know I have to call him and try… see if he will listen to me. So with that in mind, I dial his number again and press the gadget against my ear, fighting against the impulse to throw my mobile away. I hear the first tone and my heart stop. What if he doesn’t pick up? Or maybe he deleted my number so he won’t recognise it and will answer and when he realise it’s me, he’ll hang up and it’s going to be even worse.
I wait for five tones and I think he won’t pick up, I’m about to end the call when I hear the click and two seconds later, his uncertain voice. “Hannah?” He asks. No hello, no awkward silence… just my name.
I feel how my heart stops beating again and how my muscles relax. My knees fail and I end up on the floor in my room, holding the mobile with all my almost non existing strengths, feeling like I could burst out crying. I haven’t heard his voice in so long and hearing him saying my name hits something inside of me that disarms me.
I’m so scared he won’t even replay that I don’t know what to do or think when he answers: “Are you in your house?”
I blink a couple of times, surprised and a bit confused, but I shake my head to clear my mind. “Yes.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. You can explain things to me then.”
“Thank you,” I let out in a whisper and for a moment I expect him to say something cute or silly, like he used to, but he says nothing. He just hangs up and that breaks my heart a little. Maybe he is coming just because of curiosity, maybe he just wants to put things crystal clear for me and that can only be done in person.
Whatever the reason is, I put my phone aside and rise to my feet in a second, running to the mirror to see if I’m presentable. I cringe. It could be worse, though, my hair is a mess and I’m only wearing comfy clothes, but I won’t change. I won’t be able to pick an outfit and I’ll have a crisis in the middle of my wardrobe. So I just brush my hair and fix my makeup as I wait for him, not knowing what to expect. I try to organise my ideas, but I’m so nervous I forget immediately what I said first. I guess I’ll have to let my heart speak when the moment comes.
I feel it has only been five minutes when the bells rings and I run downstairs. Dad is at the garage, so Harry and I will be alone, no one will interrupt us because even Savannah is busy today.
When I open the door and I see him standing there, with an unreadable expression, eyes as cold as the winter, no linger of a smile and dark clothes that seem to match with his mood, I feel like I can finally breathe since that night when he walked away. He is here, in front of me and a part of me wants to jump to his arms, but the other part tells me not to be stupid, that would only make things weird. So I only stare at him, with my heart beating so fast I think I’ll get a heart attack. I’ve missed him so much, so much that I don’t know how I managed to actually survive and have fun with the girls. I guess I’ve really improved since I didn’t stay inside, drowning in my self-pity.
“Harry,” I breathe in but he doesn’t say anything, he just stares at me back. “Please, come in.” I ask next opening the door wider so he can walk in. He does and when he breaks the eye contact, I feel empty again. I want to reach his hand and take it in mine, tangling our fingers together, but I know I can’t do it.
Harry knows his way already and he goes directly to the living room and I follow him close behind, pleasing myself with the view of his back and they way he moves when he walks. I really love this awkward way his body moves with every step.
He takes a seat on the sofa and then his eyes are on me again, his expression still cold and emotionless and I’m scared. I know this is the moment to speak, to pour my heart out to him and hope for the best, but I’m petrified. What if he, in these three weeks, got over me? What if he forgot everything that happened between us? What if he can’t forgive me after what I did?
“So?” He asks and I feel my stomach twisting inside.
I close my eyes for two seconds and take a deep breath before stepping closer and kneeling in front of him. It’s time to be two hundred per cent honest. “I guess I should start with an I’m sorry. You were right, I was only using that lie as an excuse to hide and push you away. I’m the biggest idiot for that and I deserve that you hate me for that. A part of me hates me, too.” I try to laugh but I don’t get any reaction from him and I know this is not going right.
“I’m just the biggest idiot out there, I should’ve believed you but I was scared. I was scared of so many things. That I wasn’t enough for you, that you were going to find someone better, without so many problems. Someone that wasn’t as broken as me. I was scared that you were going to walk away from my life and I didn’t realise I was pushing you away. It is normal that you reached your limit.” I look away for a second, remembering the way he looked at me when I said I blamed him for something he didn’t do. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that look of hurt in his eyes. “And I was also afraid of fully letting go, I was afraid of moving on and forgetting about my mum. Silly, I know, but not all our fears are rational. Most of them are not, to be honest.”
Harry doesn’t seem to change, it’s like my words don’t touch him and I already feel this is pointless, that I won’t get him to forgive me but I have to finish. I have to tell him everything, even if it will only work to take a weight off of my shoulders. At least, I’ll say I tried instead of what if.
“I was afraid of taking the last step to get rid of my walls once and for all and I failed you, and I’m so sorry you can’t even imagine. But now I know you couldn’t help me to take that one last step, I didn’t need you for that.” At those words I see the first reaction from Harry and he flinches, almost as if I had hit him. “I had to do it on my own… and I did.” I smile, proud of what I’ve done. Maybe –most likely–I lost Harry forever, but I still can say I did it… I moved on. “I got rid of my walls, Harry. I’m… I’m free to live my life to the fullest. I’m not afraid of letting people in, anymore, I’m even eager to make up for all the time I lost. The girls can tell you! I’ve tested myself and I know I’m better and I don’t need you for that, I don’t need anyone for that. This time I can stand on my own and that means I’m finally better.”
Harry looks away and that hurts me so much because I thought that he could maybe be happy for me in that aspect. He worked so hard for me to accomplish this and when I do, he looks away.
Well, I guess I deserve that.
“But I still need you,” I add in a whisper and those almost inaudible words make his head snap in my direction again. “I’m better now, I won’t build up any more walls, but I still need you with me because… because as my first walls fell when you walked into my life, I fell for you, Harry.” I chuckle and cover my mouth with a hand for a few seconds, trying to calm my beating heart.
Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way anymore, maybe this is really over, but at least I have to tell him this. In memory of what we once had.
“I’m still in love with you, Harry. I’m so in love with you it hurts me that you’re not around, that I can’t see you, that you haven’t said a word since you got here.” My voice fails me for the first time that day and I have to take a moment to recover. Harry’s eyes are over me all the time. “I hurt you, I know that and believe me, knowing what I did hurts me the most, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did, but I can’t give up on you. I can’t let you walk away, Harry. I know you said it’ too late,” I lean in and reach his hand, but he pulls away and I try not to cry, not to break down right there. “But I have to try. I know I pushed you away, but this it’s me, running behind, trying to reach you again. I can promise you that it won’t happen again because I’ve conquered those fears that made me do this in the first place. I’m better but I still need you, I still want you with me.”
My voice trembles and I have to blink a couple of times because my sight is burry. I need him to say something, but he remains silent and that hangs between us, so heavy I can’t bear it. I know a part of me always knew it. But I still can’t give up!
I cover my face with my hands, ashamed and desperate. I can’t keep looking at his emotionless expression, I can’t stare at his cold eyes anymore and let my heart keep breaking with his indifference.
But then I feel his hands on my wrists, pulling my hands away and when I look up, he is in front of me, his knees brushing mine, his eyes at the same height and this time his emerald irises swirl with many, oh so many emotions. I breathe heavily, not daring to think or assume anything.
“Never, just promise me that you’ll never ever again will push me away. Never,” he whispers so low that for a moment I think I’m just making that up, that I misheard him, but then he smiles. He really smiles at me! One of his beautiful and heart-warming smiles, one that shows off his dimples and that makes me feel fully alive again. Then one of his hands is cupping my face tenderly and I’m melting, I’m actually melting. “Never.”
“Never ever,” I promise with all my heart, my own hand placing on top of his, tangling our fingers together. And at my words, his smile widens and my heart goes crazy. “I’ll only pull you closer if you let me.”
He chuckles lightly before nodding, his smile never leaving his lips and at his motion, I grab his collar and pull him towards me until I crush my lips against his, kissing him desperately. I feel like a starving woman that has finally found water and food and I can’t get enough. And as I wrap my arms around his neck and he hugs me back, deepening the kiss, I feel that everything is where it is supposed to be again. Everything is fine in this world and in my life.
I let him walk away once and that broke not only my heart but my very soul, now I promise to my mother, and to everyone listening to me, that I’ll never let him go again. No matter what I have to do, I’ll keep him with me because he is all I need. He is the only thing I can’t live without anymore. I can’t live without him anymore, because if I don’t have him, I’m not really living. I can go out and have fun, I can meet new friends, new people… but there will always a missing piece in my chest and that place can be only be filled with Harry. All him.
And I make sure I let him know all this in this kiss.
When we pull away, he looks at me with warm eyes, his hands in my face, stroking my still wet cheeks, stealing some quick kisses as I still hold on to him.
“You’re wrong in only one thing,” Harry says softly and I cock my head to one side in a questioning manner. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, Hannah, because I love you, too. Because I fell for you in a way I’ve never fallen before.”
With his words, the last piece falls into its place and I know we’ve built the ground we need before going on with our lives. We beat all the obstacles we had to face to get to this point. I have him and he has me, and as long as he holds my hand, I’m not afraid of anything.
I’m strong, stronger than what I thought I was, but when I’m with Harry, I’m even stronger, I’m better and I’m the happiest. And I know that when I’m this happy, Mum is also happy and even closer to me.
“I love you so much,” I whisper tangling my fingers in his hair as I lean closer and put our foreheads together. “And I’ve missed you so much.”
“And I’ve missed you, too. With all my heart. And you know, we have three weeks to catch up,” he says and his smile is so cheeky I burst out laughing.
“You never change,” I tell him, pecking his lips softly.
He smiles and shrugs, but his eyes sparkle with amusement. “I’m serious, though.”
And I laugh again. This is my beautiful Harry, someone I’ll make sure to keep close for as long as I can. “Then we better start now,” I answer with the same smile he gave me first and the way he looks at me is priceless.
Right next, he kisses me deeply and I give in without any hesitation, without any voice telling me to be careful, to be afraid, because this time, once and for all, there’s nothing stopping me from being happy and living my life. And that’s what I’m going to do, with Harry.
Long time ago I never thought I was going to be a worldwide pop star, with millions of fans and the four best mates I could ask for. I never thought people would see me as a role model or anything. I never thought people would follow me just to get a picture of me. I never thought I was going to feel alone while being surrounded by so many people. And definitely, I never thought that I was going to meet the girl of my dreams the day my car broke down. But I did and it was a long and difficult journey to get where we are today, but I think it was worth it. Every day I fought for her, every time I felt like giving up —and when I actually did—, every tear, every sleepless night… all these things were worth it because we’re together now.
I must admit there was a moment when I thought she was never going to change, and that loving her was hopeless, but she did change. She opened up to me, poured her heart and asked for a second chance. For a moment back then I thought of leaving, to save myself from a worse heartache, but I couldn’t. So I took the risk and trusted her again and it was the best decision of my life. Or maybe the second, the best one was calling to Morgan’s Mechanics, because that brought Hannah into my life.
Hannah has changed so much, yet she is the same. What is different now is that she doesn’t hide anymore, she is not afraid of losing people and loving them. She is the sweet, compassionate, funny, witty, sometimes sarcastic, competitive girl that I love, but now she is like that with everyone. Now everyone can see how amazing she is, why I love her so much. Why she is the girl of my dreams.
We go out as much as we can, we hang out with my friends —who are her friends, too, now—, sometimes with hers, as well, because she is making loads of new friends in Uni. We do many things together, we are happy and since I met her, I’ve never felt alone again.
I still remember those days when I saw the guys with their girlfriends, waiting for them at the airport, so happy to see them again. But at that time I had no one for me. There was no one who would miss me the way Mila, Alex and Eleanor —in that time— missed the lads. But now I do have someone, I have the most amazing girl ever waiting for me at home, missing me as much as I miss her and today I can’t wait to see her again.
We are coming back from Italy for a break after two weeks in Europe already. We’ll carry on with the other cities later, but it’s time for a break and we’re back in London. We’re at the airport right now, picking our luggage. Alex and Niall are holding hands, as usual. Now that she is part of the crew, Niall is even happier than usual and they don’t have to spend time apart. She is busy working and so is he, but they can see each other every night, something that none of us can do.
After what happened in Italy, Louis is avoiding everyone. I know he is thinking about everything that happened in that country, but I do believe things will get better from now on. He needed this experience. He says he needs space and Kay told us to give him what he needed, that she would take care of the rest. That we needed to treat him as usual, so that’s what we do. We pretend that he is not acting differently, that he is the same Louis, although he still have issues with women.
Zayn disappeared as soon as we landed, practically running and I’m not surprised. When I look at my right, Mila and Zayn are hugging and snogging, not minding the PDA at the airport packed with paparazzi.
I wasn’t expecting to see her here, and I was fine with that, but now that I actually see here in the airport, waiting for me and no one else, I realise how much I wanted her to be here. For me.
I smile wide, my cheeks hurting already as I drop my bag and sprint towards her, so happy to see my Hannah here. When she sees me approaching, she opens her arms smiling brightly at me and when I get there, I grab her in my arms, hugging her so tight it should hurt, but she doesn’t complain, she just giggles and hugs me back with the same strength. I’m so happy, so ridiculously happy to have her in my arms again.
“God, I’ve missed you so much!” She exclaims as I still hold her in my arms, not ready to let her go just yet.
I don’t reply with words; I put her on her feet and then I cup her face softly and kiss her tenderly. I know there are tons of paparazzi around and many fans as well, people who are taking pictures of us; but I don’t care. I just have to kiss her. I’ve missed her more than what I thought I would.
“I missed you, too. So much it should be illegal! And I’m so glad that you’re here, but I thought you had work,” I tell her, still with her lovely face in my hands, my thumbs stroking her skin softly.
“I did, but Sheila yelled at me for not being here,” Hannah laughs and I can’t help it, I kiss her again. “So here I am. Surprise!” I chuckle at the cuteness in her voice when we break the kiss.
“The most beautiful surprise ever,” I tell her and I hug her again, kissing her forehead this time.
“Aw, aren’t they cute? Louis, do you want to do the same? I can pretend I’ve been here waiting for you all this time. I can even cry if you want me, just to make it more dramatic,” Kay offers and only then I realise not only her, but Mila, Zayn and Louis are watching us.
“Don’t be stupid,” he answers and she smiles at him.
“Oh, come on! It’s gonna be cute. We have to win, Louis. We can’t let Harrah win in the PDA! Louis!” She insists, holding back the laughter. Louis just rolls his eyes, and she chuckles.
I admire Kay. No matter what Louis says or does, she doesn’t give up. If there’s someone who really can help my best mate, I’m sure that person is Kay.
I feel Hannah tensing in my arms and when I look at her, she is glaring daggers at Louis and he notices this, too, so he covers his crotch immediately.
I smile and chuckle at Hannah’s reaction. She still hasn’t quite forgiven Louis for what he told us weeks ago, and after what Mila did to him when we played with Prodigy in Manchester, he is way more careful when he approaches to our girlfriends.
“Okay, let’s go home before someone gets hurt,” I say pulling Hannah away from Louis just when Pauls approaches with my bag in his hand. “See you around, guys!” I add my girlfriend stops glaring at Louis and waves goodbye at the others.
She came in her car, so she drives to her home and I don’t even bother about my flat. I know I won’t be going until tomorrow. Maybe.
While she drives, I take her hands, rubbing her skin with my thumb, smiling at her all the time. So happy to be with her again.
Louis may still think that Hannah finding someone better is inevitable because none of us is perfect, so it’s only a matter of time, but I don’t believe that anymore. He made me doubt for a while, I know I’m not perfect, I know there are better people than I, but none of them is perfect for Hannah, none of them can love her the way I love her. She is not perfect either, but she is perfect to me and only me and I believe when she tells me that I’m perfect for her.
“I love you, you know that, right?” I say out of the blue and he smiles at me for one second before focusing on the road again.
“As much as I love you,” she replies and I raise our hands together, kissing her wrist softly.
I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid she will push me away because I know she tore her walls down and she did it forever. I know there’s no one better suited for Hannah than I. I know Hannah is all I ever wanted and all I’ll ever need to be whole. And as much as I need her, she needs me.
We need each other.
I think our story is like a complex symphony and many people may not be able to read it and feel it the way we do. Every event, every moment we lived together is a note, painted in a music sheet that has been registering everything since we met. And this symphony is not finished, there are more notes to add, more sheets to write on and we, Hannah and I, are the musicians and performers. We write and play our own symphony together, because our love is just like music. It makes you feel like there’s magic in the air, it makes you believe everything is possible, it holds you when you feel you’re falling, it gives you hope when everything seems lost. And I wouldn’t want it in any other way.
And that’s it. The official last part of this story. I hope you liked it, I hope it was worth the wait.
Love to everyone, to the whole world and to telly updates for giving me an opportunity to post these stories..
And if you comment make sure you write this “HARRAH”
Music sheet (last chapter)
Music sheet (last chapter)
Chapter 10~ Harry (POV)
“Some people need more time to heal, Harry. I’m sure he’ll come to term with this and will go back to his old self. You just have to be patient with him,” she tells me and I know she talks from experience. I know I can be patient, I’ve been since I met her. “Maybe he’ll meet someone who’ll push him until he can’t avoid this anymore and he’ll face it and get over it.”
Surprisingly, Harry and I have spent a lot of time together. Honestly, since we got together I thought that with his busy schedule we were barely going to see each other, but somehow he always manages to find time to be with me. Even if it’s thirty minutes or less. And truth be told, I’m getting used to seeing him every day so I’m not sure how it’s going to work when he goes on tour again. I know they changed many things –I don’t want to imagine how it was before– and now they’ll have more time for themselves, but still. I’ll see him, maybe, once a week. Mila told me that on past tours they could see each other every three months and I couldn’t believe it. That’s a lot of time. But I see that spending that much time away from each other has made them all stronger. And more grateful for the few days they can spend together. They surely don’t take the other for granted.
I was having a good time and I was still surprised that I was actually hanging out with Ed Sheeran. How many people in this world can say “oh you know, I was just hanging out with my favourite artist in the whole world. Nothing much, pretty common, you see”? I am damn lucky.
When we actually get to her grave, I’m breathing heavily and I don’t notice I’m crying until Harry brushes the tears away and kisses my cheeks softly. “You’re doing fine,” he whispers to me before hugging me tightly.
You know when things are great and everything seems to be perfect yet you have that feeling that it can’t be like that? That something has to go wrong because life isn’t perfect? Well, I have that feeling and I can’t shove it off no matter how hard I try.
I just hope that this bad feeling in my guts is nothing but paranoia.
As I see the crowd screaming their names, crying because they can see them, holding signs with their names and other things, the fact of how big they are hits me mercilessly. Around the world there are millions of people dying to get to know Harry as much as I know him, to be in my shoes. Girls that would kill to have him looking at them the way he looks at me.
We stay there, hugging and oblivious to the world, with my mind still worrying over “what ifs” until Alex tells us it’s time to go to the dressing room and get ready for the party. That party only shows me how women –and some guys– hit on Harry not even caring that I’m next to him, holding his hand. A girl asked if we would do a threesome! What’s wrong with her? And that doesn’t happen only to Harry, I see that all the boys have to go through that. Well, expect Niall and I think it’s because Alex looks murderously at anyone to tries to flirt with her boyfriend.
Something’s odd. I know that when I call Hannah and she doesn’t pick up the phone nor calls me back the whole day. I know she is tired after this long week in Uni, but I finally have some free time and I really want to spend it with her, but she doesn’t answer my calls. And as if that wasn’t enough, I have a bad feeling. People are attacking me on twitter again, saying that I’m a manwhore, and asking how could I do that? What? I have no idea. It wouldn’t be the first time people call me things like that out of the blue. It’s like their hobbie, so I don’t pay them attention anymore. But this time something smells different because as I scroll through my mentions, I see people mad at me for what I did to Hannah and some Jennifer. I have no clue what they’re talking about but I do know I have to talk to Hannah and if she is not picking up her phone, then I may knock at her door.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about! What woman?!” I shout back, anger and confusion mixing up this time. What is she blaming me for? What’s happening? I don’t understand a single thing!
“I don’t understand,” Savannah blurts out, but I’m still with my face buried in my pillow. Hope is on my back, trying to get my attention but I feel lifeless, I feel lost, I feel desperate. “What happened? Why is everyone saying Harry cheated on you? Why isn’t he here?”
“I’m sorry,” my best friend repeats pulling back this time and taking my face in her hands, cupping with tenderness and looking at me with compassion and pity. “But you’ll be fine. We’ve all been heartbroken at least once and we can all move on. I’ll help you forget about him! We can buy more darts and throw them at him the whole day!” She proposes with a big smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, but she is trying.
“How could you!?” Moni yells at me when she is close enough. I’m against the wall –I didn’t even notice when I started to step back–, with no escape, with Savannah trying to protect me from Moni’s fury. “How could you do that to Harry?! After all he’s done!” My heart is beating so fast and I can’t utter a single word, I can only see Moni so angry it scares me, so much. I actually believe she will attack me.
“C’mon, mate! Let’s go out, have some fun and let’s forget about that b***c!” Louis chants shaking my body but I lay motionless on the couch, the telly is on but I’m not really watching anything. But I do cringe when I hear him calling Hannah like that.
Louis’s mouth opens and shuts like a fish out of the water, still on the floor, staring at Moni with shock and fear in his eyes. Then he looks at me and I see the words in his gaze, I don’t need him to say it out loud. He stands up next and leaves the room, giving me one last apologising stare before exiting the flat.
I walk slowing, hugging the bouquet carefully against my chest as I make my way towards her grave. The snow keeps falling slowly over me and I’m freezing alive, but I keep walking. I need to talk to her, even if she can’t reply. I need to tell her everything before doing something.
Mum, in my daydream, kneels next to me and hugs me as she used to do when she was alive. I wonder if I’m imagining all this just to give myself a break or maybe I went mad. Maybe I should ask for clinical help now.
Three weeks have past and it still hurts, but I don’t feel like dying every second now. When I’m around people, I can actually forget about it and just carry on. It’s when I’m alone, before I fall asleep, when the memories haunt me. But I’ll be fine, I have loads of things to keep me distracted. Tour starts in a month and a half and we’re rehearsing a lot. We are shooting our third video to release it before we take off with the tour around Europe. We have a lot of interviews and photoshoot sessions, a lot of promo and a few minor gigs. I’m working so hard so I don’t have time to think of her.
“Oh right! I remember that solo! Hannah almost fainted,” Kay says one afternoon when we’re hanging out together at the rehearsing rooms Alex, Mila, Moni and her are remembering that gig from two days ago.
Convincing Mila and Moni that I’ve changed wasn’t easy. I talked for hours, –or at least it felt like hours– and they were always looking at me ready to attack and ask me to f**k off. I cried a lot, I couldn’t help it and maybe that’s why her eyes softened and they gave me a chance to explain everything. I told them about my mistake, I explained them why I did that and how sorry I was. I begged for a second chance.
“Harry,” I whisper, enjoying the way his name rolls in my lips. “Please, don’t hang up just hear me out,” I hurry to add before he does something. “I really need to talk to you, I have many things to tell you. Please, I’m begging you, just give me one chance to explain everything. After that you can tell me to f**k off again, but let me explain you.”
Well, at least I have to tell him the truth and apologise.
“Please!” I beg, not able to stop the tears this time and not even that gets a reaction from him. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, I don’t know if he is even listening to me and I can’t be strong anymore. I break. “Please, Harry, tell me there’s something I can do, something so you can forgive me. I swear in my mother’s name that I’ll never do something that stupid again, but just… just give me another chance. I love you, I can’t let you walk away from me. Please…” by that time, I can’t keep talking because I choke in my own speech and the tears stream down my face endlessly.
Epilogue ~ Harry
I know Hannah is not here and I’m okay with that. She told me she had to work at the garage because her dad went to Cardiff for a meeting to expand the business. She said she was sorry but she would be waiting for me at home. She made sure I would know her father is not going to be there tonight. So yeah, I’m dying to leave the airport and see my girlfriend. We have to catch up, you know?
I quit watching Zayn and Mila in their reunion and I pick up my bag, but when I turn on my heels, I see her and I hold my breath. I haven’t seen her in two weeks only, but when I spot her standing there I feel it’s been two lifetimes. She is wearing a Sunday dress and short boots, her hair is falling graciously, framing her lovely face and she is smiling brightly, knowing she’s surprised me with being here. Hannah waves shyly at me and I swear I feel like the world stops around me and all I see is her. Her smile, her green eyes, the freckles on her face, the way she is standing there, awkwardly, waiting to know what to do next.
OH MY GOD! I’m crying so much…really this chapter was so emotional and the part where Hannah tried to convince Harry..that was so much heart breaking..
I still feel my heart ache..anyways, thank for the lovely comments on the last chapter. I can’t believe I got so much love and support through out the whole three stories..
I’m so happy…and sorry I didn’t replied back on the last few chapters..I was busy..
And please make sure you comment down on this chapter..that would make my whole year..hehe..
Make sure you comment and share your whole experience of this story..
I hope you will like bitter and sassy too..I’m so excited for it and I hope you all will like it.
I’m gonna post bitter and sassy on March 24..so stay tuned for that… and make sure you support me too in bitter and sassy..
And I’m so excited for Louis story .. you guys already know how the funny Louis changed..and let’s see how Kay brings him back..
Love to everyone…keep supporting me and motivating me…
Hope to see you soon..and dear silent readers make sure everyone comment…