Music Sheet (Episode 4) Chapter 4 ~ Hannah (POV) “I don’t need your help,” I spat, tensed and ready to storm out of the little café. HARRY (POV) “Let me give you a ride,” I offer when we’re walking out of the café. Hannah is still smiling and I don’t want her to lose that, I want to see her like that all the time. “You’re smiling like a creeper,” she tells me breaking through my thoughts and I turn around to meet her curious eyes. HANNAH (POV) “I’d love to have a gif of his face when you started asking him questions!” Harry states still laughing while Steven is upstairs printing the invoice of Harry’s purchase. He actually did buy the Lexus LS 460 and I had the chance to drive it to test it. “Here. Everything is ready. Your plate should be here in two days top, so you can come back by then. With this you can go out without problem,” Steven tells when he’s back, his dashing smile bigger than before. He knows he made a great deal today and Harry is satisfied too. :-:-:- HARRY (POV) The moment I see her breaking into tears, all that rage burning inside of me fades away and I feel cold and like an idiot. I made her cry, it’s my fault, I was too harsh on her. And I can’t see her like this, the way her eyes, cheeks and nose turn red like her hair, how her lips tremble as her chest does. It’s heart breaking and it’s all my fault. I come back to the living room with two steamy mugs and my determination set to get her to open up. Maybe this is the time for her to tell me what happened, maybe now that her walls have stumbled down. She’s still crying, but her body doesn’t shake anymore, her tears fall slowly now and her knuckles are white from grabbing the cushion so tight. I hand her one mug and take a seat next to her again. HANNAH (POV) “Okay, Harry. Help me,” I tell him looking in his eyes. I’m not sure what I’m doing, but he’s right. I can’t live like this forever, this is not living. My mum wouldn’t be happy, and that someone who didn’t even know her can tell me this… it really means something. I laugh again and I step away, our hands finally free from each other and I’m surprised that I feel the absence of his touch, his fingers around mine. As I walk to the toilet to wash my face I wonder how fast I’m going to get used to Harry. I have to admit it, he feels like part of my life already in a way, he forced his way in, but I don’t mean that. I mean how long it will take me to finally accept him and be totally comfortable with him, without having to fight the need to push him away. HARRY (POV) That night I can’t sleep and it’s because I can’t get Hannah’s image out of my mind. I see her broken heart in her eyes, the way she looked at me when all her walls were on the floor. She’s so afraid of losing someone, of feeling that pain all over again and a part of understands her perfectly, after all, we are all afraid of losing someone we love; but there’s another part that wants to yell at her to let that behind and move on. However, I know very well I can’t rush her on this. She already did a huge progress today with me, but she won’t overcome her fear from one day to another. “I hope you all can meet her soon,” I carry on knowing that know the possibilities of her accepting to meet my friends are higher. HANNAH (POV) “Hey, Dad,” I greet with a smile when I go downstairs and take a seat next to my father who’s watching the telly. “Han, are you okay?” Dad asks and only then I shake my head to clear my mind. Hellooooo guys..how’s everyone ? .
I can’t believe I just told him that, I opened myself to him and he actually understood! He respects my decision and he doesn’t push me anymore. It’s like he finally knows how to deal with me and it feels so… nice. The way he looks at me, his green eyes kind and impressed, looking at me in a new light and I feel warm, I don’t feel judged at all. I know he has never seen things how I see them, but he tries to understand that my dreams are not like his. I never thought he would be able to understand, I just took a chance and it worked.
I shouldn’t be here, though. I should be working and away from Harry, but I can’t. Even when I know what is better, I still accept his invitation, I still tell him what I think and explain things to him instead of just shutting him out. But I can’t help myself because now that he respects my space and I know he listens to me, I feel comfortable next to him. I feel alive, I feel like myself again, like I was when Mum was still alive. I feel like I can have fun again, like I can live my life again without any fear. I guess I’ve missed feeling like that. When Harry tells me his silly jokes and anecdotes, I feel like a weight is pulled off my shoulders and I can breathe again. Yes, I still have present that my mum left me, but when he’s around, that fact doesn’t stop me anymore and it’s so nice to feel like that. I guess that’s why I can’t say no to Harry when he asks me out again. Even if it’s for a little while, he makes me feel better.
But at the same time, feeling like this worries me because, what if I get used to this? What if I grow dependent of Harry? What if he grows on me and then he leaves? He’s an international popstar, known around the whole world. Anything can happen to him and if I let myself grow fond of him, then it will hurt like hell when he has to leave because no one can stay forever. No one.
“Hannah, you okay?” Harry asks when I don’t laugh at what he has just said. Honestly, I stopped paying attention and I have no idea of what his words were.
“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just thinking. What did you say?” He looks at me concerned and it still impresses me that he actually cares. He’s staring at me in the way Savannah and Dad tend to look at me and I still don’t understand why he feels like that. “Harry, may I ask you something?” I inquire out loud, curiosity killing me.
“Anything,” he answers quickly with a kind smile, his dimples showing off.
“Why do you come back? I mean, I’ve been terrible to you, yet you still come back and are nice to me and you– you seem to really care about me about I don’t understand why,” I blurt out before I chicken out and ask him another thing, something I don’t really need to know.
He looks at me for a few seconds, thinking of his answer, I guess, or just examining me. “Because of your eyes,” is his answer but it only confuses me more. I stare at him, disbelief written in my features and he chuckles, knowing he’s only confusing me. “Because when I look in your eyes I see loneliness, I see pain and so much sadness and I want to know why. I know something happened to you, there are scars in your soul and I know it’s too soon to ask you to trust me and tell me what happened, but I hope one day I won’t have to ask you to tell me, that you will want to share that with me. I want to help you, Hannah because I feel like I can help you. Don’t ask me why I feel this, because I don’t know, I just feel it.”
I can’t believe that with just looking into my eyes he saw my very soul and how damaged it is. He got to my heart and he knows it’s broken somehow, and he found out about this with just looking me in the eyes.
Suddenly, I feel exposed and more vulnerable than before because it was so easy for him to see into my soul and I don’t know how to react to this. Is everyone else capable of finding what he did? Am I that transparent or is it just Harry? I don’t want people knowing how broken I am, I don’t want people pitying me for what I’ve become.
“Maybe you don’t, but I want to help, regardless whether you accept it or not. It’s there and it’s your decision at the end, but I’m gonna be here, Hannah. I made that decision already. You like it or not, I care about you already.” His tone is matter-of-factly, there’s no room for argument. He’s not exactly forcing me to accept what he offers me, but he makes it very clear that it’s something I can’t stop, I can only reject.
“You’re a weirdo, did you know that?” I tell him and he laughs. An easy laugh with a kind of musical sounds that makes me want to laugh as well. It’s contagious.
“Normal is boring and overrated,” he replies with a shrug and I just smile. I guess he knows already that I’ll never throw compliments at him. Never. “Hey, may I ask you for a favour?” He says next and I raise one of my eyebrows questioningly. “I need to buy a new car and I need some guidance.”
“What do you want, Harry Boy-band?” I inquire and he looks at me confused.
“Sorry, I just changed your surname. This fits you better,” I explain and for a second he is silent then he bursts out laughing like I just told the best joke ever. Again, weird bloke this one.
“I like it. Anyways, I just need your help to buy my next car. I would ask the boys but they know jack shit about cars. Moni is going to America and Mila is visiting her family and those two are the only ones that know about cars. I wouldn’t ask you this if I had someone else to help me, I don’t want to bother you or anything, but I really need help.”
I look at him blinking a couple of times trying to follow him. The first thing I catch is that he wants another car, as if he doesn’t have enough already. I guess I just forget how filthy rich this boy is. Then I realise that he’s asking me to go with him to buy a car, to help him which means to spend time with him, again, just the two of us.
“I don’t think you need my help. Just buy the one you like the most,” I tell him as nicely as I can, but he pouts, he literally pouts like a little kid.
“But every time I go they try to sell me the most expensive one, which is not always what I want or need. Please, I know you like cars and probably you’re more knowledgeable about the whole matter. Please!” He begs and he does this face again, the cupcake one with his hands under his chin and the head slightly cocked to one side. Yes, it’s a cute face and he looks adorable, but it doesn’t melt me nor will it get me to say yes. “Please!” He tries again batting his eyelashes quickly and with a bigger smile, his dimples deep and noticeable.
“You won’t stop until I say yes, will you?” He shakes his head, his smile still on his lips. “I figured.” I sigh.
A part of me wants to go with him, after all I do like cars –it runs in the family– and I understand that the car dealers may try to take advantage of him –they are like sharks–, but I don’t want to spend more time with him and give him the chance to grow on me. He’s dangerously charming and he’s learning more and more about me, which makes it difficult to push him away as he knows when to step back and when to step forward with me already.
“Okay,” I finally say sighing deeply already knowing it’s not a good idea. “But don’t think I will go with you every time you feel like buying a new car. Only this time,” I warn and his smile is so big and full of joy, even his eyes are sparkling with happiness, and I know he feels proud of himself and that he got me to agree to going with him.
“Great! We can go tomorrow if you’re not busy,” he suggests and I think for a moment.
“That’s fine with me. Before lunchtime so I can help in the garage in the afternoon,” is my proposal.
“Brilliant. Shall I pick you up?”
I think of that for a moment. I could go in my own car so I don’t have to spend time with him alone unless it’s strictly necessary, but what if he gets the new car immediately? He will need someone else to drive the older car. When there’s money, car dealers can be incredibly fast.
“I think it’s wise. Give me your phone,” I request and he does as I ask immediately. So I have his iPhone in my hands and I chuckle again when I see his friend Zayn’s picture with pink hair and a shocked expression.
I unlock the phone and go to contacts to add my number and address. Quickly. I hand his phone back and he looks at the screen, a smile spreading on his lips again when he sees my number.
“Wait, I need a picture,” he states and before I can process what he’s said, he snaps a picture of me.
“Oi! You’re supposed to warn people before taking a picture!” I protest trying to take his phone from his hands but he keeps putting it farther away from me.
“I like spontaneous pictures and you look beautiful,” he says still fighting me to keep his phone away from my hands. “Look!”
Harry shows me the picture and I do not look beautiful, I look surprised and confused and the light makes my freckles even more noticeable! I look hideous, my ginger hair seems like it’s glowing, ugh.
“It’s horrendous! Take it off, I don’t like it!”
“But I do like it and it’s my phone, sohum!” He sticks his tongue out at me like a five-year-old child and puts his phone back in his pocket, finally completely out of my reach. Damn boy! “And remember when you told Savannah I’m a stalker?” asks next the curly-haired boy and I nod. “Well, now it’s gonna be easier to stalk you!”
I look at him with shock written all over my face and he bursts out laughing again so loud he has to cover his mouth with his hands so he doesn’t call everyone’s attention.
“Joking, joking. I don’t want a restraining order,” he clarifies next.
“It’s not funny! You idiot, I thought you were being serious. Damn you!” He only laughs at me.
“Come on, admit it: you’d love to have me as a stalker.”
“Not even in my worst nightmares,” I reply and he fakes that I’ve hurt him again, which makes me giggle. “You really are an idiot,” I carry on and he shrugs.
“Yeah, I get that a lot. I’m used to. You need a new insult,” he tells me and now I laugh out loud.
“I take that as a challenge, Harry Boy-band.” At my threat, he only smiles, his expression saying ‘bring it on’. I smile as well, ignoring that my threat means I plan to spend more time with him just to find new insults.
“I can get home on my own, Harry. Don’t worry,” she answers politely, there’s no rudeness this time in her words.
“Please! That way I know you gave me the right address instead of a random house. Imagine I drive there tomorrow and some crazy old man opens the door and decides to kidnap me!” I dramatize and I see her laughing and shaking her head from side to side. “It could happen, don’t laugh!” That only makes her laugh harder.
“You have a wild imagination, Harry. But I gave you my right address, don’t worry. No one will kidnap you.”
I know I should just accept that she doesn’t want me to drive her to home, but I don’t want to part ways yet. The whole afternoon has been so great, we’ve had such a good time and she opened up to me today, sharing a part of her mind with me and I’m just not ready to let her go. I wish we could be like this all the time.
“C’mon. I won’t be able to fall asleep tonight if I don’t do this plus, you can never trust iOS maps to guide you. I can end up in Timbuktu!” Again, she’s laughing.
“You sure are a persistent lad, aren’t you?” I just nod with a big smile on my lips. “Okay, just let me text my dad to let him know he doesn’t have to wait for me.”
I have this urge to jump pumping my arm in the air while screaming ‘yes’. It seems like every time she’s giving in a tab bit more, warming up to me, and now the way we have to go through seems less difficult. It doesn’t seem like an impossible mission anymore and I have hopes she’ll let me in and help her. I really want to be there for her, offer my shoulder to cry on if she needs it or hold her tight when it seems like everything is falling apart.
I want her to need me because I’ll be there for her.
Her fingers fly over the screen of her phone typing a text and I can’t take my eyes off of her. I really like the way her hair falls around her face and I notice it’s shorter than the last time I saw her but I like it like this better, she looks cuter. Now it barely passes her shoulders and the ends curl a tad bit which makes her look adorable. I also like her hands, with long fingers and I remember the video where she played the piano, how those same thin fingers flew over the keys making a beautiful melody.
“Done. I hope he sees it.” She looks up at me putting her mobile back in her pocket again.
“Shall we, then?” I ask offering her my arm and she looks at it for a few seconds. I know she’s deciding whether to accept it or not and maybe I’m pushing too hard, but I have to try. I need her to get used to being around me until it feels natural for her.
Finally, with a sigh, she loops her arm around me and that rush of pride comes to me again. With every second that we spend together, I feel like we’re getting closer. I haven’t been much different from the last time we saw each other, but she is and I wonder why. When I came to see her, for a moment I thought it was going to be even harder considering all the time that had passed, that she would be even more closed off to me, but when she saw me she looked only gladly surprised.
What if she missed me while I was abroad? Like I missed her.
That thought makes my heart race with hope because maybe I’ve grown on her already, even if she tries to deny it. Maybe she can’t push me away any more like before because I’m already in the zone she didn’t want me to be in. At that idea, a wave of sheer joy runs through my body and I can’t stop the silly grin from playing on my lips.
“But I’m a creep, I am a weirdo… what the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here,” I sing for her instead of telling her why I was smiling like that.
Her lips curl up and she chuckles softly. “I like your raspy voice. Clearly, your balls have dropped,” she comments and I look at her with my eyes wide open. “I heard one of your first songs the other day, that song that was everywhere when you started with the band.” I assume she’s talking about What Makes You Beautiful. “Your voice sounds really different now.”
“Is that a compliment?” I tease her and she tenses up for a moment.
“To your voice, not to you. I consider you as separated entities,” she adds and I chuckle. Hannah really can’t accept she likes me somehow, even if it’s only my voice.
“Well, my voice is really flattered,” I tell her and she giggles.
I remember the first time I saw her, with her cold eyes and the way she pushed me away, when it seemed like nothing could reach her. But now she laughs at my silly jokes so easily and I wonder if she was like that before.
“I hope you don’t mind riding in my Range Rover,” I tell her when we get to my car and by the way her eyes sparkle, I know she doesn’t mind at all. She looks at the car almost like Moni does, but the latter has more adoration in her brown orbs than Hannah in her green ones.
* * *
“You’re a terrible driver, Harry Boy-band!” Cries out Hannah when we get to the car dealer. “The yellow light doesn’t mean speed up like you’re in a bl**dy race!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be more careful next time, okay?” I tell her approaching her after leaving my car as well.
She sighs deeply closing her eyes for a few seconds before nodding still avoiding my gaze. I can’t stop smiling; I’m just really happy she’s here with me and that she didn’t make up an excuse to cancel this. And she looks so lovely today, and I’m not talking about her outfit –though she looks gorgeous with the black jeans, the tall boots and grey coat hugging her figure–, it’s something in her eyes today and in her flushed cheeks when she looks at me, almost as if she has a secret she doesn’t want to share because she’s embarrassed.
“Okay, let’s get this over with and pick up your new car. Though you must know I won’t let you pick a sports car, you have enough with the R8.”
“But I like sports cars, they are amazing!” I protest following her inside.
“But they are made to reach high speeds and in a city, you’ll only hurt the engine. I still don’t understand why you need another car, Harry.”
I don’t really need a new one, but it seemed like a good way to spend time with her and I love cars, so it’s a win-win situation. But, of course, I can’t tell her that, so I just shrug and she rolls her eyes.
A car dealer approaches us with a rehearsed smile that he struggles to keep when he sees how young we are. He probably thinks we’re only going to make him waste his time. I don’t blame him, after all we’re just couple of teenagers to him.
“May I help you?” He asks politely, his smile still on his lips.
“Yes, he wants to buy a new car,” Hannah answers and I see the flicker of incredulity in the man’s eyes. I read his name on the pocket of his jacket: Steven Black. “May we see what you have?”
“Sure, follow me,” he instructs but I still see how he doesn’t believe I’ll actually buy a new car.
Hannah turns to look at me and I see amusement in her eyes, she probably also sees what I’ve noticed in Steven’s expression and she’s dying to see his reaction when he realises that I’m actually going to buy a car and with no need for a loan whatsoever.
“What do you want, Harry?” She asks me when we’re walking side-by-side and following Steven. “Sedan, SUV, coupé?”
“A sedan would be nice. I don’t have one of those and they are useful sometimes,” I answer and from the corner of my eye I see Steven jerking, clearly paying attention to our conversation. “If Moni was here, she’d take me to see the Volvos immediately.”
“Volvo is a good idea, taking into account the way you drive. They’re the safest models. An S90 could work for you, though I also see you in a BMW from the series 6.” I look at her impressed at how comfortably she speaks about models and designs. She would really get along with Mila and Moni. “Do you have something in mind? At least the brand?” She asks me and I think for a moment.
“Not really. What’s your favourite?”
“Hmm… one of my favourites is the Lexus LS 460 and I think you would look good in that car,” at that answer Steven really stops and stares at us, shock written all over his face.
“Pardon me for this question, but can you really afford a car like a Lexus?” Hannah looks at me and I chuckle, Steven’s face is just priceless.
“Yeah. May we see the Lexus?” I ask back and I swear I see the symbol of pounds in his eyes when he looks at us, this time his smile is honest and very interested. He now knows he’s not wasting his time.
“Please, follow me. I’ll take you to the Lexus section so you can see the model with your own eyes. It is an excellent car, Mr…”
“Styles,” I answer. “But just call me Harry and she’s Hannah,” I add and cue to my words, Hannah smiles politely, amusement still shining in her green eyes.
“Excellent. You will definitely love the Lexus LS 460, Harry.”
“I bet, but Hannah has to approve the car, otherwise I won’t buy it. She’s the expert here.” Steven looks at Hannah incredulously and she only grins cockily at him, in her eyes now shines the desire to win this challenge.
I chuckle, dying to see how she’ll make Steven regret whatever he’s thinking right now.
One thing less in my bucket list!
I avoid Harry’s eyes and focus on my knuckles whilst a small smile plays on my lips remembering the moment Harry is mentioning. It was clear from the beginning that Steven didn’t believe that I know about cars, so I had to brag just to make him swallow his words. I couldn’t help it; I guess that competitive side of me hasn’t died. I know the Lexus LS like I know the back of my hand, but I asked him about all the specific details hoping for quick answers, but every time he doubted, I said what he had to explain, giving even more information that what you can find on the website. I even asked him about the materials of the engine, the process of production and tests on the car. After five minutes he didn’t dare to say anything else and Harry was holding back his laughter the whole time. His eyes shone with pride.
“Because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I don’t know about cars. That’s a misconception and I hate it,” I tell him still avoiding his eyes.
It has been hard to look him in the eyes the whole day and not because I don’t feel well or something similar, just because every time I see him, I remember the dream I try to vanish from my mind all the time.
My heart races when my mind comes to all the memories of the dream I had of Harry last night, a dream that made me wake up with eyes wide open and my cheeks burning. The scene plays in my head like it is happening again and I shut my eyes tightly, trying to push away the images, but I can’t.
“Hannah,” he calls me in my dream and I turn around, my eyes on him all the time whilst he approaches me, his smile beautiful and breath-taking, his eyes sparkling with happiness, the same happiness I feel bubbling in my chest.
He finally reaches me and the first thing he does is take my hands and pull me closer to him, our bodies colliding in a tight embrace and I wrap my arms around him, gripping his shirt in my fists at his back, my nose buried in the crock of his shoulder. In his arms, I feel whole again.
“I’ve missed you,” I whisper with my face still buried against his shoulder and I feel his arms tightening around me.
“You can’t imagine how much I’ve missed you. I couldn’t find the moment to come back and have you like this again.” In my dream I’m not conscious that it’s not real, because it feels like it is. Like it’s really happening, like this is the most normal thing in my life. But I haven’t been this open to anyone since my mum died years ago. “But I’m here now,” he adds pulling away, his hands on my shoulders while mine slide to his waist. He looks into my eyes with so much intensity I feel he’s touching my soul.
I smile, happiness making me groggy that he’s with me and I do the most horrendous thing of all times. I lean in, standing on my tiptoes to reach his lips, my heart beating like a horse in a race, desperate to win and that’s how I wake up, with my hear hammering against my chest and my hands flying over my mouth, as if I could still feel Harry’s lips.
That’s why I can’t look at him now, because I remember how close we were in my dream, how happy I was to be with him and how much I wanted to kiss him. If I look at him, my eyes drop to his lips immediately and I’m afraid he will notice it.
This only proves how all this –whatever it is– has gone too far already. The fact that I missed him when he was abroad, the fact that I can’t get him out of my mind, the fact that I dreamt of him– all this means he’s growing on me already and I need to stop it before it’s too late. After this deal is over, I have to cut clear of Harry. It’s the best thing to do.
He fell in love with the car, I saw that happening. But who couldn’t? I mean, it’s a Lexus LS 460.
“Great. So I can take it with me now?” Harry asks, I feel in his voice how excited he is to drive the Lexus.
“Of course you can, Mr Styles!” Steve replies handing Harry the folder with all the papers that recognise him as the owner of the car. “I hurried all the process so you could take it with you this very day.”
“That’s great,” Harry smiles taking the folder and looking over the content. Then he turns to look at me, his eyes shining with something I can’t put my finger on. “Would you help me out here?” He inquires and I furrow my brow, trying to keep my eyes on his and only his eyes. “I’ll drive the Audi and you can drive the Lexus. You just have to follow me.”
My eyes widen at his requests. He’s asking me to drive the Lexus? I mean, I tested it and everything, but it’s not the same. The car is his now and he should be the first to drive it.
“I can drive the R8,” I offer, my heart hammering again at the mere possibility, though I won’t accept it.
“No, please drive the Lexus. It’s my way to thank you for helping me today,” he insists, his smile is sweet and I know he’s being honest, he is not trying to buy me with this or anything. “Please. Don’t make me do the cupcake face,” he threats and I have to bite my lips to keep me from giggling.
“Okay, though even if you do the cupcake face, you know it has no effect on me.”
“I’m working on that,” is his answer, determination swirling in his emerald eyes.
* * *
Driving the Lexus to Harry’s place is the most amazing experience of my life. Or one of the most amazing. It’s just sublime, how soft the car is, the sweet and lulling sound of the engine, the comfortableness of the inside. I could live in this car forever and I can’t believe I’m driving it. How am I supposed to go back to my Mini after this? Life is so unfair.
I park the car where Harry points me to and I leave the Lexus with a deep sigh, caressing the bonnet as I walk over to where Harry is waiting for me, a content grin on his lips. “Did you like it?” He asks and I can’t help my dreamy look and tone.
“Loved it. You just bought an incredible car, Harry,” I tell him and his smile grows bigger.
“It’s all because of you. Thank you very much. I’d probably have never known about this car if it hadn’t been for you.” His smile is honest again, beautiful, like the one he gave me in my dream.
My stomach twists at the memory of the dream and I look away. We’re alone in the parking lot of the building where he lives and even though it’s a big place, I feel like the walls are closing around me.
“Wanna go up to my flat? We haven’t had lunch and I can cook something for you. I’ve been praised for my cooking skills,” he proposes, his smile never leaving his lips.
It sounds like a nice idea, a good opportunity to find another thing to tease him about. I can see myself joking about how his skills are not as great as he made me think. But I have to decline it; I can’t go up with him.
“I can’t. I have to go back and I already did my part. I helped you,” I state flatly, working for my voice to sound as dull as possible.
“Yeah, but you don’t have to put it that way. I’m asking you this as a friend,” he insists taking a step closer, but I step back.
“But that’s the thing, Harry: we’re not friends and we will never be,” I see hurt crossing his expression and I tell myself that the pain I feel in my chest has nothing to do with that. “I told you that before.”
“But– but I thought you changed your mind. I mean, yesterday and today you didn’t seem to mind having me around and we had a good time,” he’s confused and hurt, it’s clear in his voice and I look away.
I know this is the best thing, the right thing to do, but it doesn’t feel like that and that only means he has grown way too much on me already. This time pushing him away hurts.
“Call it a truce. Now that’s over and I’ll go back to my life where you don’t have a part in it.”
“And what if I want to have a part?” His voice is severe now, stubborn and I hear him taking another step forward. “What if I don’t let you push me away again?”
“You can’t do anything about it, Harry. It’s my decision,” I argue, still avoiding his gaze.
“But it’s a wrong decision!” He cries out this time and this surprises me, I look up to meet his eyes again, shock freezing my body. “And you know it, too. That’s why you can’t even look me in the eyes!”
“You bl**dy know it’s true!” He shouts again and I’m still too shocked to react and move away when he takes another step closer. “I’m tired, Hannah. I am patient but I have my limits, okay? I thought we were making progress but you decide to throw all that to the bin again and I won’t accept it. Not again. You just can’t push me away anymore and you know it, we’re not just acquaintances anymore!” I can only look at him with my eyes wide open. “And you know it too, so stop fighting this, stop trying to push me away because it won’t happen. I don’t know what happened in your past that made you like this, but it’s time to move on!”
His words are like knives thrown at my chest and hitting my heart with assassin precision. For a second I can’t breathe. He doesn’t know what happened and that’s why he’s so bold about it, but that doesn’t really matter because those are the same words that my father and Savannah have tried to make me understand all this time, but they never touched me the way Harry’s did.
He has always been kind to me, learning how to deal with me, apologising when he did wrong and insisting, coming back even when I was nothing but mean to him. I never understood why he did that, what moved him to do all this things and why he cared about me, but he does. For some odd reason, he cares about me and he wants to help me even when I don’t make things easy for him
Seeing him lose his temper, finally yelling at me after all I’ve done to him is what hits me the hardest and it breaks me. Right there, in front of him, I burst out crying like I did when my mum died. Like I haven’t done in so long. This time I can’t control it, this time I can’t stop it. I can just cry.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to yell,” I tell her stepping forwards, ready to see her step back but she doesn’t move, she only covers her face with her hands, crying even harder. “Please, Hannah– I’m sorry.” I’m not sure of what I’m doing, I just step even closer and wrap my arms around her, bringing her against my body and holding her tight. “Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
“No, I am sorry!” she cries against my chest, her hands grabbing the fabric of my jumper. “I’ve been so awful to you and you have done nothing but be nice and I’m just so sorry!” Says Hannah between sobs, my heart breaking into even more pieces.
“Even though, I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that,” I insist, still holding her in my arms and I don’t let myself get distracted with the fact that I am indeed hugging Hannah.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbles again and this time I don’t say anything, I just hug her tighter, rubbing her back, trying to give her some comfort while she keeps crying in my arms. Her whole body trembles with painful sobs and I grow desperate, not knowing what to do to make it better, to get a smile from her again.
Yes, I wanted her to show me emotions, but this is so hard to take. To see her this broken, crying with her face hidden in my chest only makes the lump in my throat get tighter and heavier.
“Come, you need to sit and calm down,” I tell her pulling away a few inches to see her eyes this time. Her always beautiful yet cold green eyes are bloodshot and they show so much pain it makes my whole body ache.
She doesn’t argue this time and lets me guide her to the lift and eventually to my flat. I always keep an arm around her shoulders whilst she keeps crying, silently now as I open the door and lead her inside my place. I know she doesn’t pay any attention, her eyes are locked on the floor while silent tears stream down her face, hurting me along the way.
I can’t stand seeing her like this, I can’t see her crying.
I make her take a seat on the sofa and I sit next to her, still rubbing her arm hoping it helps a little bit. “Fancy some tea? It’ll make you feel better,” I offer hopefully.
She looks at me for a second with her red eyes and so much pain written all over her face, but not only pain, regret is also there. “Okay,” whispers the ginger girl and I nod, rising to my feet, ready to go to the kitchen to make some tea, but before I take a step forward, she takes my hand and stops me. “Harry, I’m really sorry for how I’ve acted, but I have my reasons.”
“I’m sure you do and you can explain it to me later,” I say but I see her reluctance. “If you want, of course.”
Her smile is shaky and nervous, so I give her one from my own set, an encouraging one while I stroke the back of her hand with my thumb. Her hand feels so small and delicate in mine, soft and warm.
I spin around and leave for the kitchen, hurrying to make tea for her, hoping it will help her. I can’t believe today ended like this, with Hannah crying in my living room and with even shed tear, my heart breaks for her. What happened to her to leave her like this? What caused those scars in her soul that now she can only push me away? Now it seems even more imperative for me to know the truth.
“You feeling a tad better?” I ask carefully, hoping she will reply instead of snapping at me.
“Yes. I’m sorry for that. I haven’t cried like this for so long and I just… I just lost it. I’m sorry,” Hannah apologises again and I shake my head dismissingly.
“It’s okay, we all lose it sometimes. Plus, I pushed you too much, I’m sorry. It’s just that… I don’t want you to shut the door in my face when I know we can get along. Whatever the reason is, I do care about you and I really want to help you, Hannah.” I want to be there for you and hold you like I just did. Just for you, I add in my mind, not daring to go that far with her.
“You do really care. No one has insisted the way you have and with them I haven’t been as hard as I have been on you. I’m sorry. Again.” She smiles sadly, like she just remembered something funny yet melancholic at the same time. “My mum would’ve liked you.”
“Would’ve…?” I trail off realising the real meaning of that tense too late. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Hannah. I didn’t know, I–”
“You couldn’t know, I never told you that. It happened a few years ago,” she explains and I feel so terrible for not knowing. No doubt why she never mentioned her mum before, only her dad. “I know if she were alive now, she would really like you.”
“I’m really sorry, Hannah. If you need to talk about it, I’m here, you know,” I offer though I don’t believe she will actually tell me something like that.
“It happened more than two years ago, during summer. I was out that day, I went to the iTunes festival with Savannah and then we went to a party to keep having fun. In those days I was the partying type, always hanging out with friends and having fun. Mum was a nurse, a great woman, so nice, caring, loving… She didn’t deserve what happened to her,” Hannah tells me and I can’t believe she’s telling me all this. I take her hand, the one that is stroking the side of the mug and I entwine our fingers together, giving her encouragement to carry on. “I said goodbye in the morning, wished her a good day and when I came back home, Dad told me there had been an accident and they couldn’t save Mum. She died there because a drunken driver couldn’t stop at the red light. Because of him I lost my mum, from one day to another, just like that and I wasn’t even with her! I was partying, getting drunk, oblivious to the world while my mum was dying on the street!”
Again, she starts crying heartbreakingly, her whole body shaking and I take her mug away before she spills it all over herself. Quickly, I pull her to my body and I hug her with all my strength while she holds on to me for dear life, crying like there’s no tomorrow.
“She just left. Gone. In a couple of minutes! I couldn’t say goodbye, I wasn’t ready to lose her!” She cries out against my chest and I wonder if she had ever done this before, screaming her pain for her mum’s lost.
I don’t say anything, I keep hugging her tightly, letting her rant.
“Why? Why to her? Savannah and I were drunk that night, driving, but nothing happened to us! But my mum died! And she wasn’t drunk, it wasn’t even her fault! Why, Harry? Explain it to me because for two years I’ve tried to find the fairness in all this but I can’t. I can’t!”
“Life isn’t fair. I wish I could tell you there’s a reason for this, that there is fairness in all this, but I can’t lie to you. I don’t understand why these kind of things happen to good people.” My whisper is low and I never stop rubbing her back, begging to give her at least a bit of comfort in this moment.
“She just left me, Harry. In a blink, she wasn’t with me anymore. How can I let people in if they can be gone so easily? How can I give them the chance to break me so quickly like my mum did? That’s why I push everyone away, because if I don’t have them in my life, I can’t lose them.”
Finally, after all this time, it makes sense. Finally I understand where her scars come from, why she is the way she is and it makes it even more difficult. It’s not only something awful that happened, it’s a loss that you can’t just put behind you. It’s not something you can forget, it’s not something you want to forget.
She’s afraid of losing someone like she lost her mum.
“But you can’t control everything,” I tell her, not sure how to address this situation.
“Everyone leaves, Harry. Sooner or later, all of them leave and some even do it on purpose. No one can stay forever and if I can’t stop them from leaving, I can at least prevent them from meaning something to me so the moment they leave, it won’t matter to me.”
“But that’s not living, Hannah.” She looks up, her eyes meeting mine and I see dark and heart-breaking emotions in her green irises. Her cheeks are wet, shiny small rivers crossing them. “You can’t just stop caring about people, that’s not something you can control.”
“I can always try,” she insists and I shake my head slightly.
“And being miserable along the way? That’s what you want? To be lonely all your life?” I inquire and she looks away, still sobbing. “I didn’t meet your mum, but I’m sure she wouldn’t have liked that for you, Hannah. No mum would like her daughter to be sad.”
“She must be so disappointed in me,” she mumbles and I take her face in my hands, making her look at me.
“No, I’m sure she’s only worried about you. Hannah, you can do something about it. You can try to open up and let people in. You’re not the only one that takes the risk of losing, the other person also may lose you but still, they want to be part of your life and you are not letting them. That’s not fair.”
As I stroke her wet cheeks with my thumbs, I see her eyes trembling with all the emotions and conflicts my words are bringing upon her, but she needs to realise that what she’s doing will not only hurt her, but everyone around her.
“We all can lose someone important to us every day, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it to have those people in your life. Family, friends… they are always worth having around.”
For a moment that seems to extend forever, she only looks at me, her lower lip trembling as her fragile body.
“How do I do that? How do I let people in again? My fear is just too overwhelming.”
I smile, a tentatively smile, a hopeful one. “I can help you, only if you let me help you, Hannah. Stop trying to push me away and let me help you.”
Again, for what seems like forever, she doesn’t say anything, she only looks me in the eyes until her lips finally part to let the words come out and those are the most beautiful words I’ve heard in my life. “Okay, Harry. Help me.”
Savannah and Dad tried to do something about it, to get to me, but they never succeeded. They can’t really help me because they have been in my life all this time. But Harry doesn’t know the person I was before all this happened, he only knows who I am today and still he can see I’m not okay. He is the one that can help me get over this and carry on with my life. I just have to trust that he can really help me.
I’ve honestly forgotten how to let people in. I’ve been forcing myself to be indifferent to everyone that I’m not sure if I can change that again, but Harry can break those walls, can step in my life and no matter how much I push, he doesn’t step back. If there’s someone who can make me tear down my walls forever, it’s him.
Harry smiles at me, his dimples showing off and his emerald eyes sparkling with joy. “You just gave the first step, Hannah. And the first step is always the hardest,” he tells me and I notice in that moment that he is holding my hand, stroking my skin softly with his thumb.
My first impulse is to pull back, but I fight that and I leave my hand there, I allow Harry to comfort me because I need to get used to people caring about me again and if I let Harry comfort me like this, maybe in the future I will allow other people to be like him. Maybe someday I will be the same person I was before I lost my mother.
“It will take time, but you’ll make it. Just promise me you won’t push me away anymore.” His eyes are more serious this time and I know this promise is important. My answer will show my commitment.
I’m very tempted to tell him I can’t promise that, but if I really want to move on I need to do this. “I promise,” I answer and for a second there’s surprise in his eyes before absolute glee replaces it.
He squeezes my hand gently and I close my eyes to take a deep breath before squeezing back. It’s a small gesture, almost unimportant for someone normal, but it’s a big step for me. I’m giving back affection, I’m recognising his concern and appreciating it. That is a ginormous step for me and I know Harry gets it.
“I’ll make more tea, this one must be cold already,” says Harry looking at the two mugs on the coffee table in front of us. “And I will bring you some tissues, okay? Though you can go to the toilet while I prepare the tea,” he offers looking at me again, one hand leaving mine and rising to my face, to brush tenderly with his thumb the tears that left a shiny linger on my cheeks.
“Seems like a good idea. Show me the way,” I ask and he nods standing up and not releasing my hand as he walks me to the hall.
“That door. I’ll also make something to eat. You’re too skinny,” he tells me and I look at him with my brow furrowed.
“That doesn’t sound like a compliment.”
“Because it’s not. Being skinny doesn’t mean you’re healthy. I learnt that, Mila is always feeding Zayn ‘cos she says he’s too skinny.”
“And you’re gonna do the same with me?” I ask, for some reason this really amuses me. “Or are you gonna try poison me with your food?”
“Oi! I’m a really good cook!” He protests and I giggle softly, impressed at how now I can be laughing when minutes before I was crying my eyes out. Definitely, no one has done that with me before. “You’ll see.”
When I go back, I feel a bit better, refreshed after washing my face and looking at myself in the mirror for a second, telling me that I can do it. Harry is still in the kitchen so I go there and I see him frying some vegetables in a pan while he has something else boiling.
“What are you doing?” I ask getting a bit closer. He looks at me with a smile still playing on his lips.
“Pasta. It’s already late so I decided to do something fast. You will love it.” Just to mess with him a bit, I look at him hesitantly and he looks shocked again, like every time I say something that crashes his ego. “You will love it. Now this is personal.”
I laugh as I step back, just to give him more room to cook. He’s really focused now and I can appreciate his skills in the kitchen, the way he manages himself with all the utensils and ingredients.
Soon he has two plates with what looks like the best pasta ever, it really smells good and my mouth waters to taste it. Until then I don’t realise how hungry I am and I know Harry is watching my reactions very carefully, so I try to keep my surprise hidden. I don’t want to boost his ego.
He doesn’t try the food, he’s just waiting for me to give the first bite. Fighting my smile, I try his cooking and oh my God, it’s really good and I have to make a huge effort not to show how much I like it. “Not bad,” I tell him and his mouth flies open.
“Not bad? Seriously? That’s all you have to say?” Incredulity fills his voice and I can’t hold it anymore, I burst out laughing. “What?”
“It’s really good, I was just messing with you. Thank you, Harry.” Until he realises that I was only joking he still looks shocked, but then my words sink in his mind and he gives me a flashing smile that makes my heart flutter in my chest, uneven beats against my ribs.
For the first time that day, the weight of my dream feels differently. It’s not the fact that I’m close to Harry in the dream, is the fact that we are couple kind of close, that I have feelings for him that I haven’t had in so long. I remember the way he hugged me in my dream and I feel my cheeks heating so I look down, concentrating only in the food.
“After this we can do something else or if you’re tired, I’ll drive you home,” he offers.
“I rather you to drive me home, I’m really tired and it has been a long day for me,” I answer still with my eyes locked on my plate.
“No problem, plus I’ll get to drive the Lexus now.” I can feel the cocky grin in his tone.
“You better drive like a normal human being in that car. Hurt it and I will cut your hands,” I threat, not being capable of stopping myself and looking him in the eyes this time.
Harry chuckles, like all this is so amusing to him. “You’re nicer than Moni. Once she knows I have this car, she’ll threaent me with cutting my balls. Again”
“Clever girl,” I say and Harry looks betrayed, but I just shrug.
“Something tells me if you meet her and Mila, you’ll be good friends. But I’m not sure if that’s something good,” the curly-haired boy mused and I can’t hide my curiosity.
“Why?” I ask, forgetting completely about the food and only focusing on him.
“I mean Mila is great, I don’t worry about you meeting her. But Moni… she scares me sometimes and I’m still not sure if she really likes me or not. She always bullies me and she loves to prank me.”
“I like her already,” I say just to add more agony to his life and he laughs humourlessly. “Maybe someday I can meet them,” I add in a whisper this time, lowering my gaze because this is the first time I show some interest in meeting his friends. He has told me about them many times and asked me if I want to meet them, but I’ve declined his offer. This time it comes from me.
“They are already dying to meet you,” he answers slowly and it makes my stomach tickle to know he has talked about me with his friends.
“Brilliant,” I say because I don’t know how else to answer and after that, we just talk about other things that don’t really matter, it’s just to avoid silence between us.
After we finish the food and I help him washing the dishes, Harry drives me home in his Lexus and I know he’s being careful this time, respecting every sign and light.
“I’ll call you so we can hang out again, okay?” He tells me when we’re at my door. I nod, suddenly very nervous. “Don’t worry, I’ll give you a few days break. We’re working on the third album so there’re a lot of things to do in the studio. Though if you want to visit the studio I can take you there,” he offers, his smile never leaving his lips.
“Maybe one day,” I answer and his smile grows wider. I know he notices these little details. I’m not plainly rejecting his offer, I’m giving him a chance and he appreciates that. I can see it. “Thank you for everything today, Harry.” He only smiles and I don’t know what else to do.
When he leans closer, I freeze, my limbs refusing to move and I just look at him shocked, not knowing exactly what he’s going to do. “See you soon, Hannah,” he says, almost a whisper and right after that he kisses me cheek, slowly, like the touch of a feather on my skin.
When he steps back, my heart is beating at top speed and I can’t take my eyes off of him and his content smile. He is staring in my eyes and there’s something in his gaze but I can’t put my finger on it. He then turns around and walks towards his car, but I stay there until the Lexus with Harry in it disappears, with my heart still hammering in my chest and the feeling of his lips lingering on my skin.
Finally, I wake up from this trance and I walk into my house, but I still feel weird and groggy somehow. I find my dad in the kitchen drinking coffee whilst watching ESPN. He greets me with a smile and a wave before focusing on the football game again, but I walk towards him, and surprising him, I wrap my arms around him.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper and I feel how he put his arms around me confused.
“You okay, Han?” He asks me rubbing my back.
“I am now. I’m sorry for all what I’ve made you go through, Dad. I promise you I’ll get better.”
I’m not sure if he knows what I mean, but I don’t have the words to explain it in a better way to him. But then his arms hug me tighter and I know he gets it now, he knows exactly what I mean.
“I know you will,” he whisper backs. “Everything will be fine. We’ll be fine, Hannah.”
And for the first time since Mum died, it looks really possible. I feel like he’s right, that we are going to be fine.
At least she has accepted my help this time.
I wish I could just take her in my arms and push away all her fears, put at ease all her worries and only make her smile. I wish I could vanish that sad look in her eyes, that emptiness that squeezes my heart painfully every time I stare into her eyes.
I’m not sure if the fact that it’s her mother’s death what changed her makes this even harder than what I expected or not. I must admit that many times it crossed my mind that something even worse had happened to her, I even thought that maybe someone had raped her. Now that I know exactly what changed her, what broke her like this… I’m not sure how to proceed. I only know that I need to teach her to care about people again but how does one do that exactly?
Like that, thinking of ways to help her, I’m restless the next day and it’s hard to focus during the day in the studio. The guys ask me what’s wrong, but I can’t exactly tell them. It’s like when I met Sheila. She told me it wasn’t her story to tell and now I can understand her. It’s not about Hannah’s mother’s death exactly, it’s about how she has taken that. I can’t share that with the boys, not even Mila and Moni who had already helped me to understand Hannah.
“You okay, Harreh?” Louis asks me when we’re done for today in the studio and we are free to go.
I sigh deeply, fighting to find the words to explain my situation. “I think. I just have many things in my mind.”
“And I bet all those things involve Hannah. Am I wrong?” He asks with a cheeky grin, her eyes sparkling mischievously.
“You’re absolutely correct. I just want to help her, you know? To show her so many things, to teach her it’s okay to care about people again,” I trail off looking at the ground again.
“You’re really falling hard for this girl, aren’t you? And I mean really hard. You’re completely on in all this, giving your hundred per cent.” I look at him for a second, smiling resigned. I won’t even bother to deny that because it would be foolish and futile. Everyone knows that I’m beyond liking Hannah already and since she asked me for help, our bond is stronger. I feel she needs me this time. Probably, I’m the first person she has let in since her mum died, she’s trusting in me and only thinking of that gives me great pleasure and makes me feel accomplished.
Hannah doesn’t care that I’m Harry Styles, or just Harry for what it matters. For her at the beginning I was just another person she didn’t want in her life, but I tore those walls down and now I’m more than just a random person in her life. Against her own wishes, I’m part of her life somehow but I’m still not satisfied because I want more. I don’t want her to only need me to help her, I want her to want me back, to miss me, to wish I was with her.
“I’m really falling for her. She’s so different, you know? So complex and intriguing. She really makes me work for her,” I confess to my best mate and he pats my shoulder.
“Then I wish you the best luck and I can’t wait to meet this girl who has put your world upside-down. She sure must be interesting,” he replies with an honest smile, no mischiefs this time.
After that, I decide that all what I can do is to push her little by little to live again. Taking her out, even if it’s just for a coffee. I need her to remember how it was before and how she still can do that. Yes, there’s the risk of losing someone, but that doesn’t meant it’s not worth it.
* * *
I call her for New Year’s. I know she wasn’t expecting my call because I can feel the surprise in her voice when she picks up the phone. “Harry?”
“Happy New Year!” I exclaim over the mobile phone getting away from all the people around me in this huge party I’m in. “May this year be the best of all!”
“Uh– thank you. For you too, Harry. Are you in a party?” She asks sweetly.
“Yes, with all the lads. We’re having fun. What about you? How is 2014 starting for you?”
“It’s okay. I’m with my Dad and Savannah’s family. Oh, she says hi and she’s making me say thank you for the tickets for Ed’s gig– Oi, you tell him that! I’m not your messenger!” I hear her say and I’m pretty sure that part isn’t meant to me.
“Hey Harry!” I hear immediately after and I know it’s Savannah this time. I just laugh, imagining what must have happened at the other end of this conversation. “Happy New Year! Thank you for the ticket and pass!” She adds quickly. Maybe Hannah is trying to get her phone back. “But most of all, thank you for helping her.”
“I’ll do my best,” I tell her hoping that will be enough.
“Thank you…” She barely whispers before another voice adds, “sorry for that, she just stole my phone.” And that’s Hannah again.
“It’s okay, I like Savannah. I’m glad you’re with her.” I stop not sure how to say what I have in mind. “I know you’re probably gonna say no but I have to ask: do you wanna come to this party? I can go and pick you up and Savannah is invited too, of course.”
“Uh– Thank you, but I rather spend this night with my dad. Maybe we can do something another day?” She adds insecurely and even though it’s a suggestion, it sounds like a question.
“That would be equally lovely. Do you wanna have lunch with me tomorrow?”
“Uh– sounds good,” she answers and it makes me so happy she is accepting without major hesitation.
“Brilliant. I’ll take somewhere you’ll love and we’ll have a great time. I’ll pick you up tomorrow then and now I’ll let you go back with your dad and Savannah.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Harry. Happy New Year again, thanks for calling,” she says and I don’t want to hang up. I don’t really have anything else to say, but I want to keep talking to her.
“I’ll see you. Have fun,” I add reluctantly.
It’s her who hangs up and I sigh deeply, looking at the screen of my phone with the information of her contact, including the picture I took that day at the café.
“Hey, Harry!” Grimmy exclaims next to me, passing his arm around my shoulder. “Who where you talking to? Was that girl Hannah you fancy?” He asks next looking at me with a goofy grin whilst holding a glass in his other hand.
“Actually, I was talking to her indeed. I invited her to come but she’s with her family,” I answer and he pouts.
“Bummer. I wanted to meet her! You have to bring her one of these days. I mean, I need to know the girl that makes my friend keep rejecting all the girls that hit on him.” Grimmy elbows me playfully, matching with the grin on his lips.
“So you noticed, uh?” I muse and he laughs.
“Blimey, Harry. Everyone’s noticed it! All the single girls have tried to make a move on you but you just rejected them bluntly. You weren’t even subtle this time!”
I cringe. “Was I rude?” I ask concerned.
“Yeah, maybe a bit. But don’t worry, all those girls are wasted now so they won’t remember a thing. Now come and enjoy the party! The year is only started and we had an incredible 2013. We have reason to celebrate, mate!”
“You’re right! For an even better 2014!” I exclaim asking for a drink to the bartender. Grimmy cheers up excitedly. Clearly very tipsy already.
After that drink many more come though I try to control myself, considering that I’m going out with Hannah tomorrow, but it’s hard when everyone around is having fun and forgetting about everything and everyone, just going through the motion.
By when I wake up I’m not really sure how I got home and the bl**dy hangover is already killing me, but I’m still in time to pick up Hannah. I’ll just need a lot of pills and many bottles of water. Two coffees many.
As I dress up and get ready to go out and pick up Hannah, I turn on the telly just to check that everything is fine, that nothing weird happened in the party last night and that no silly rumours are spreading. I don’t remember one hundred per cent of the night, so I need to make sure.
I tune the first gossip show I find and they are not talking about the party or me, for which I sigh relieved, but then the hostess of the show changes body posture and the image next to her shows pictures of last night. There’s Niall and Alex leaving the party being all lovey-dovey with each other. Mila and Zayn clearly having fun drinking shots of tequilas –I don’t even know how they get those pictures from inside the club. Grimmy, Liam and Andy on some tables in an evident contest of bottom ups. There’s an awkward picture of Louis and Eleanor leaving the club and none of them look happy, which makes me wonder what happened. But my worry fades immediately when I see a picture of myself with two pretty blondes under my arms, laughing and talking very, very closely to each other’s faces.
I don’t even remember those girls!
“Oh, shit!” I cuss hoping Hannah won’t see this.
It’s the first day of 2014 and I’m determined to make a change in my life this year. It’s a new start and I’ve taken the hardest step already. Going out to have lunch with Harry today is just one of the things I have to do to heal. I’m sure Mum would be proud of me because I’ll keep my promise, I’ll keep living and I’ll be happy. That’s all what parents want from their children right? For them to be happy. I still will miss her every day, but I won’t stop living my own life. I’ve made that decision and I plan to stick to it.
“Hey, Han. Did you sleep well?” He asks me passing his arm around my shoulders to bring me closer. I know he’s happy that I’m trying to heal. I see in his eyes when he looks at me with hope sparkling in his irises.
“I did. Do you have plans for today?” I ask him and he points at the telly with the remote. “Oh I see, ESPN day, uh?” He only nods and I giggle. “Well, I’m going out to have lunch with a friend. I hope you don’t mind,” I tell him and I can’t stop my heart from fluttering.
“You going out with Savannah?” He asks me and I shake my head. I feel my cheeks burning and I tell myself I shouldn’t react like this. Harry and I are only going to have lunch; it’s not a real date. He’s only helping me.
“Nope. Another friend,” I answer and I see the surprise in his eyes and also the happiness that my words bring. For years, Savannah has been my one and only friend and now that I’m referring to someone else as a friend is a huge step.
“That it’s great! Have fun. And who’s this friend? From some class?”
“Uh, not really. His name is Harry and I met him a few months ago when his car broke down.” Dad nods following the story. I don’t want to go into much detail and he probably knows this is awkward for me, so he doesn’t push me any further and starts changing channels. I focus on the screen as the channels pass until I see something familiar. “Stop there for a second,” I exclaim shocking my dad.
“I didn’t know you were into gossips and those things,” he says leaving the TV show there.
“It’s seems that for the members of One Direction, last night was all fun and romance,” the hosts says with a cheeky smile as pictures start to display behind her of every member in different scenarios. I know Harry was at a party last night, I mean he called me last night and even invited me, so that’s not the surprise in this note; it’s that when the picture of Harry appears, he’s with two beautiful women.
I feel something bitter and dark creeping inside of me, from the very core of my being as I keep glaring at the picture and those two stupid women holding on to him like he is a god or something like that. Gosh, have some dignity!
I don’t realise I’m balling my fists until I feel pain in my palms and I see my nails have buried in my skin; only then I loosen up a bit. I don’t know why that picture makes me so angry and I just want to yell at the host of the show to shut up. It’s not like I’m jealous or something, Harry and I are nothing and I don’t have feelings for him. He’s only helping me to overcome my past and heal my wounds; nothing more than that. But still, I feel anger inside of me
“Yes, sorry. I was just thinking how is it that those girls don’t catch a cold. It’s bl**dy cold but look at those mini dresses they wear,” I trail off and my dad laughs.
“You sound like your mother. She never understood that either,” he says and his tone is light and nostalgic at the same time. I never considered how much I remind him of Mum. “I know she’s not with us anymore, but I feel that there’s still a big part of her in you all the time and now that you’re smiling more and– well, being like your old self, it’s like that part is stronger.”
I can only look at him. He has never told me that, he never made me see that acting the way I was acting was like killing another part of my mother.
“I miss her so much,” I whisper leaning into my father as he hugs me tighter.
“I miss her, too, but I’m lucky to still have you. I haven’t lost everything and I always make sure to tell myself that I still have plenty to fight for.”
I sigh deeply, taking so much pride in my father. He is a strong man, someone who didn’t break when his wife died, and someone who kept fighting for his daughter. I see why Mum loved him so much; he is really an amazing man. I wish I could be as strong as him, I wish I could be less selfish.
At least I’m working on that now.
We stay there on the sofa watching the telly. Dad changes the channel again and now we are watching a football game. I’m not into sports of any kind, but Dad really loves them and when he watches the games, he spreads his energy and euphoria and it gets to me, even though I don’t really understand what is going on.
By the time the bell rings, I’ve almost forgotten that Harry was going to pick me up. “That must be your friend, right?” Dad tells me and I nod rising to my feet. “Do you want me to meet him or is it too soon for you?” He asks kindly next.
I think about it and I rather not. He saw Harry in the picture and that may lead to an awkward conversation. I’m not sure if he would like me to go and have lunch with a guy who had two girls hanging on him like that.
Again, I feel that anger bubbling inside me when I think of that picture but I vanish those thoughts and feelings immediately. “Maybe next time. Keep watching the game, I’ll see you later.” I bend down and kiss his cheek before taking my purse and coat and walking towards the door.
As expected, Harry is at the door with a charming smile that shows off his dimples. A beanie hides his curls and his hands are in the pockets of his leather jacket. “Hi, Hannah. Happy New Year,” he says without losing the smile.
“Happy New Year, Harry,” I answer letting his smile get to me and make me forget the picture I saw on the telly. “Shall we?” I ask and he nods, offering me his arms and for a moment I think of rejecting it. I don’t want to look like one of those girls in the picture, but I know he’ll see it as if I’m pushing him away again, so I fight that thought back and loop my arm around his.
He has come in the Lexus, knowing this is my favourite car in his collection. It’s still weird that he just bought this car without having to save money for a whole lifetime. “So, how was the party?” I ask to stop myself from thinking how different his life is from mine. We don’t have problems with money, but we’re not rich either.
Even though I try to make it sound offhanded, I recognise a tint of bitterness in my voice and I hate that. I also notice how Harry tenses next to me but he never takes his eyes out of the road. “Fun. Though I have a hangover now. That’s why I’m trying to be more careful.”
I smile and look away. He doesn’t even mention the girls from the pictures and I wonder if he even knows the paparazzi took pictures of him. “That’s great. A lot of people there, I presume,” I carry on though I don’t know why I’m doing this. What am I looking for with this topic? It’s not like he has to confess something or anything.
“Yeah,” he laughs but it doesn’t sound natural. “Grimmy wanted you to go to the party,” he says next.
“Grimmy? As in the BBC one host?” For a second he looks at me with a grin playing on his lips. “Oh right, you’re friends with him too. Do you know everybody?” He chuckles and shrugs.
“I’ve met the queen,” he says offhandedly and I snort.
“Arrogant,” I mumble and he laughs. “Why are you laughing? I’m not complimenting you.”
“I dunno. I think I’ve gotten used to your insults and now I take them as compliments. Probably if you say something nice I’ll be wounded now. Look what you’ve done to me!” I fight back the fits of laughter that want to come out of my mouth at his words and his dramatic behaviour.
“So you’re saying that if I call you a nice bloke you may even cry?” I test and he seems to ponder my question.
“Like a baby,” is his answer and this time I can’t help it, I burst out laughing.
“You’re an idiot,” I say between fits of laughter.
“Why thank you!” That only makes me laugh harder.
“And where are you taking me, oh Mister-I-Know-Everybody?” I ask when my laughter fades away.
“Is that my new surname? I like Boy-band better, though. And it’s a nice place; I bet you’re gonna like it. Ed showed it to me a long time ago.”
“Is that so?” I ask, wondering why he decided to bring me to a place that Ed likes instead his favourite place or something like that.
“Yeah. I really like it and the people that come here are nice and chill, so we shouldn’t have much of a problem. It’s always nice when we come here. Niall also likes it a lot, he and Alex can eat the whole menu.” I laugh as I try to imagine the blond bloke I met in the music shop the other day eating that much. How is that even possible? “And here we are!” Harry cheers parking in front of what looks like a typical arcade. “Nice games and food.”
“Games?” I raise my eyebrow questioningly.
“Moni said the racing games here are the best so I thought you would like it.” He smiles hopefully and he looks nervous, unsure of if he did the right thing with bringing me to this place.
“So you want me to humiliate you, is that so?” I say and he laughs letting out the breath he was holding in. “Let’s go, then.”
His smile is wider and brighter as he rushes to get out of the car and runs to open my door before I have the chance to do it myself. Still smiling, he offers me his arm and with a smile of my own, I take it and we walk to the arcade.
I’m so so so sorry..I was busy like hell that’s why couldn’t update or reply to your comments..I’m again really feeling bad…
So how did you like the chapter?
It took me about 3 hours so please I would like to see comments and suggestions or bad words from you haha..
Thanks to all those who commented and made my day..
Hope you all are having an amazing life and be happy and make others happy that would make me happy too.
You all are my motivation, family and support…keep doing that..
I’m really glad to receive such heart touching and great comments from everyone..
You must check out some ff..
“the bond of..?” it’s by mandy and mandy my love you are incredible..keep writing such stories and keep it up..love you..
“you,me aur hum” it’s by jasmene..guys she is superb..she needs motivation and support…keep doing it to her and don’t be silent readers. Love you jasmene.
“the masquerade” by misha..hey girl you are amazing…hope to meet you soon..and support her too.love you misha.
“the invincible” by mystery girl..she is amazing…as per as her it’s not a love story haha…she is really cool..go and check out her story ..love you mysterygirl.
“Destined to be mates” by rose…she just wrote only one chapter actually she is busy with her exams so guys pray for her..and dear rose you may succeed in whatever you do..love you.
“kuch khatta meetha pyaar” by prarthna..she is really good..guys check out her story and support her..
And lastly I’m sorry if I didn’t mention any story..
Tell me in the comments down below if you write any ff..
Till then be happy…
Love you all..
Music Sheet (Episode 4)
Music Sheet (Episode 4)
Chapter 4 ~ Hannah (POV)
“I don’t need your help,” I spat, tensed and ready to storm out of the little café.
“Let me give you a ride,” I offer when we’re walking out of the café. Hannah is still smiling and I don’t want her to lose that, I want to see her like that all the time.
“You’re smiling like a creeper,” she tells me breaking through my thoughts and I turn around to meet her curious eyes.
“I’d love to have a gif of his face when you started asking him questions!” Harry states still laughing while Steven is upstairs printing the invoice of Harry’s purchase. He actually did buy the Lexus LS 460 and I had the chance to drive it to test it.
“Here. Everything is ready. Your plate should be here in two days top, so you can come back by then. With this you can go out without problem,” Steven tells when he’s back, his dashing smile bigger than before. He knows he made a great deal today and Harry is satisfied too.
The moment I see her breaking into tears, all that rage burning inside of me fades away and I feel cold and like an idiot. I made her cry, it’s my fault, I was too harsh on her. And I can’t see her like this, the way her eyes, cheeks and nose turn red like her hair, how her lips tremble as her chest does. It’s heart breaking and it’s all my fault.
I come back to the living room with two steamy mugs and my determination set to get her to open up. Maybe this is the time for her to tell me what happened, maybe now that her walls have stumbled down. She’s still crying, but her body doesn’t shake anymore, her tears fall slowly now and her knuckles are white from grabbing the cushion so tight. I hand her one mug and take a seat next to her again.
“Okay, Harry. Help me,” I tell him looking in his eyes. I’m not sure what I’m doing, but he’s right. I can’t live like this forever, this is not living. My mum wouldn’t be happy, and that someone who didn’t even know her can tell me this… it really means something.
I laugh again and I step away, our hands finally free from each other and I’m surprised that I feel the absence of his touch, his fingers around mine. As I walk to the toilet to wash my face I wonder how fast I’m going to get used to Harry. I have to admit it, he feels like part of my life already in a way, he forced his way in, but I don’t mean that. I mean how long it will take me to finally accept him and be totally comfortable with him, without having to fight the need to push him away.
That night I can’t sleep and it’s because I can’t get Hannah’s image out of my mind. I see her broken heart in her eyes, the way she looked at me when all her walls were on the floor. She’s so afraid of losing someone, of feeling that pain all over again and a part of understands her perfectly, after all, we are all afraid of losing someone we love; but there’s another part that wants to yell at her to let that behind and move on. However, I know very well I can’t rush her on this. She already did a huge progress today with me, but she won’t overcome her fear from one day to another.
“I hope you all can meet her soon,” I carry on knowing that know the possibilities of her accepting to meet my friends are higher.
“Hey, Dad,” I greet with a smile when I go downstairs and take a seat next to my father who’s watching the telly.
“Han, are you okay?” Dad asks and only then I shake my head to clear my mind.
Hellooooo guys..how’s everyone ?